Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Blissfully Peculiar

Everyday we talk for hours and hours,
I can count on you anywhere, anytime. 
You, my partner in crime;
my best friend who just appeared out of nowhere.  
We laugh at things what others think are weird, 
We speak a language that is blissfully peculiar,
being in our own little world.
When I get too dark, too cynical, 
there you are, 
slaying the monster, saving me from the high tower, making me smile. 

Silly, sweet, and perfectly uncanny, 
having you feels so lucky.
It’s true, age is just a number. 
It doesn’t matter how old or young you are;
With some heart, a true friendship could last forever.  

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

For a friend :)

Monday, November 28, 2011

Happy Holidays


I’m in a crowded room of family and friends. 
There is caroling, warm conversation, and laughter; 
everyone at last being together.
My heart is waltzing during the time of wishes becoming real, 
during the time of miracles coming true.

The colorful tree is aglow, 
dear love ones are kissing underneath the mistletoe,
the cheerful children are playing out in the snow;
creating memories that will fill us with so much joy.
God is beyond great, let’s celebrate!

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

Happy holidays everyone! 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

What I'm Thankful For

I'm thankful for my family and friends, for a roof over my head, for food in my tummy.  I'm thankful that everyone is always there for each other, no matter the distance. I'm surrounded by great people. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Random Thoughts

At times, I love being on my own but other times, I need a friend on my side.
At times, I’m comfortable with who I am but other times, insecurities haunt my mind.
I’m not picture perfect but really, who is?
Just walk away if you can’t handle this.
Critics are all around,
most of the time, their words are just a waste of sound.
I’m like a red rose in a field of white daisies,
At times, it’s hard to see but at the end of day, I know that individuality is the real beauty.

(c)Lena Holdman, all reserved 2011

Coffee, late-night writing..just popped in my head. (:

Sunday, November 13, 2011

For Kortney, Jeff, and Jay (a cover of Eminem's "Hailie's Song")


*speaking*: I can’t sing
but I feel like singin’
I wanna freakin’ sing,
cause I’m happy…yeah, I’m happy. 
I have the greatest friends ever!
Check it out.

*singing*: Verse 1: Some days I sit, starin’ out at the window, 
watchin’ this world pass me by. 
Sometimes I just wish for more.
I almost break down and cry.

Sometimes I think I’m crazy,
I’m crazy, oh so crazy.
Does anybody listen to me? 

But then I see them next to me, 
Suddenly I’m not crazy. 
It all makes sense when I look into their eyes.  

Chorus:  Sometimes it feels like the world’s on my shoulders
or like no one understands me, 
cause sometimes it feels the world’s almost over, 
But then I see my friends smile at me.

Verse 2: We’ve had grown up together, 
becoming a family over time.
They never change or criticize me 
But others don’t get my eccentric thoughts,
refusing to see my real side. 

I act like that crap don’t phase me, 
inside it drives me crazy. 
My insecurities could eat me alive.

But then I see them next to me, 
Suddenly I’m not crazy, 
It all makes sense when I look into their eyes. 


*rapping*: Verse 3: Kortney, Jeff, and Jay,
the ones who have been there come what may, my second family that went through the good and the bad. 
Yeah it’s true, this has always been a rocky, dramatic friendship but I swear it’ll never sink. Like glue, we will always stick. We will never break and they’ll always have my back.
This song is for the most awesome best friends that anyone could have: Kortney, the protective Mother Hen who would never leave me behind; Jeff, the little jokester who makes me smile when tears come to my eyes; And Jay, our older brother who reminds me that there’s more out there, To them, all I can say is Thank you, thank you, thank you. Without you I don’t know what I would do. Your friendship is the best gift, the weight of the world is always lifted. 

*singing*: Verse 4: Now it don’t feel like the world’s on my shoulders,
Now everyone listens to me, 
cause my friends make me feel like a solider,
Nothing can hurt me when they’re by me. 

*speaking*: Hey guys, I’ve never told you this but all three of you mean a lot to me. If you ever need me, I’ll be right there no matter what. I love you guys. xxx 

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011
*Eminem and Shady Records owns the original song "Hailie's Song", not me. I wrote a cover*.

I was listening to Eminem today so I thought it would be fun to rewrite a song. Even though some of the words are slightly sad, I actually wanted tell how happy I am to have such awesome friends.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Happy Birthday Steven!


Dear Steven, 

Happy birthday!! How are you? I’m thinking about you today. I miss your blond jokes, I miss your dorky songs. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about our times at lunchtime or on the bus and smile. Thank you for being a friend and always making me laugh. I miss you and I love you. 


(Jeff wants to say something too) 

Dear Steven, 

I miss you sooo much. You were like a brother to me. Thank you being a pal, my good friend. We will see each other again. R.I.P. pal. 


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My stereo broke!!!

My old stereo finally broke for good tonight. The CD player door won't close. I still have the ipod dock with a CD player but it's sort of sad. I've had that stereo forever. My stereo and I always had a love-hate relationship. I swear that thing had a mind of its own but now it's gone. I'm bummed out.

Believe in Peter Pan

Wendy, John, and Michael Darling from Bloomsbury, London aren’t the only ones who believes in Peter Pan. Children of all ages believe the tales of Neverland, the adventures of Peter Pan, the Lost Boys, and Tinker Bell; their exhilarating battles against Captain Hook and the pirates. All we need is faith, trust, and pixie dust! Even though people try to mock it, they can not kill the fun and innocence of Peter Pan. We’ll just say, “I believe, I believe, I believe!”

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

J.M. Barrie, you rocked!

I had a nightmare that someone was trying to kill Peter, saying he was lying. I kept fighting and screaming, "I believe!" I decided to write this afterwards. I'll love Peter Pan forever.

Stop the rape and torture of lesbians in Ecuador.

Dear Family and Friends,

It's shocking that this is happening in 2011: At 207 "clinics" across
Ecuador, lesbians are held captive, raped, tortured, starved and beaten in
an attempt to make them straight.

But far from being clandestine, this systematic brutalization of women
happens in plain sight, with the tacit approval of the government of

We know that the Ecuadoran government is sensitive to international public
pressure -- they already shut down a small handful of clinics in response
to public outrage when the international press first learned of the
existence of these clinics.

But we have to keep the pressure on the Ecuadoran government until they
close every single clinic that continues to facilitate the torture and
rape of women.

I told the Ecuadoran Minister of Public Health Dr. David Chiriboga to
investigate and shut down all remaining 207 ex-lesbian "clinics." I hope
you will too. You can sign the petition at the link below.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Michael Jackson's Doctor Guilty - ABC News

Michael Jackson's Doctor Guilty - ABC News

What do you think? I think that Justice was served. From what I heard from the trial, I think that Murray was reckless and gave Michael highly dangerous medicine.

Thursday, November 3, 2011



Sometimes I wonder when it’s my turn to explore this mysterious world,
Sometimes I just long for all of my amazing dreams to come true. 
The love, the sparkle; 
sometimes I want it all.
Sometimes I drown in my own sorrow;
But then I see the hope of tomorrow. 
Just sometimes, just sometimes…

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

This is a diary entry that turned into a poem. I at times write in rhyme or with rhythm without realizing it so I decided to post it. 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

My Halloween Treat

My Halloween Treat 

The werewolves are howling at the moon and the witches are cackling as they take flight but I want to take you into the wicked night with me, waltz with you into a room of glowing jack-o’-lanterns. The evil queen is offering me a poisoned apple and I would eat a dozen of them as long as I could taste your sweet, candy corn kiss each time. The hungry zombies might begin to chase me but I don’t care if I’m running with you. During the time of trick-or-treat, you’re the only Halloween treat that my heart craves.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

Almost Halloween night! Yes!!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Family Day At Six Flags

Today I went to Six Flags with Mom, Dad, Aunt Kathy, Uncle Larry, Amanda, Craig, and Gracie. It was so much fun!! W rode a lot of rides and we were a barrel of laughs. When we were in the air, my stomach flip-flopped. It felt like I was flying and I love that ascending feeling. I also love spending time with my family. Everyone is always grinning. I’m never bored. Today was just a perfect day.

Blood On Pumpkins


Blood On Pumpkins 

It was a blustery Halloween night with the full moon high in the sky. The wind was so loud that it was hard to tell whether it was just ordinary wind blowing or tormented spirits howling for mercy. Thick, ominous fog also consumed the entire town and fear was just waiting to strike at any moment. On this cold, eerie night, Eighteen-year-old Christina Shane was walking through an old pumpkin patch with her sixteen-year-old boyfriend Peter Matthews, on their way home from a costume party. Christina was in a long, flowing, white nightgown and had her hair curled childishly, dressed as Wendy Darling and Peter, of course, was dressed as Peter Pan in a green shirt of leaves, a green, triangular hat with a red feather, and green tights. 

“Real men wear tights,” Christina had told him with a pleading smile the day before, trying to talk him into it. It was her favorite book as a kid and his name was actually Peter. She thought, “How could we not go as Peter and Wendy? It’s fate.” 

“But Babe…,” he had complained. He wasn’t too keen about this idea but he did it for her. Seeing her happy was worth all the jokes that he was going to get from his buddies.  

They were walking through the pumpkin patch, both wearing jackets and using their cell phones as flashlights to see through the fog. They were also holding hands, talking 
affectionately to each other, and snuggling to keep warm. “You’re so beautiful tonight,” he said into her ear. 

“Thanks Sweetheart,” she said warmly, blushing, “I can’t think of anybody else that I rather walk with…but why are we walking through this pumpkin patch? It’s taking forever.” 

“It’s a shortcut to your house,” he replied, “Besides this pumpkin patch has some cool history…just a perfect ghost story to tell on Halloween.” He then made a ghostly sound and raised his eyebrows mischievously.

With her cell phone shining, Christina looked around. There were rows and rows of plump pumpkins of all sizes with vines entwining as far as she could see, hay and dirt scattered everywhere. There was a tall scarecrow in the middle of all with a large, pointed hat and old, ripped farming clothes. Its head was a big pumpkin and its carved face looked angry, crazed, and monstrous. The hay on the top of the head that acted as hair stood stiffly out from its hat, looking like the scarecrow was just electrocuted. Next to this disturbing scarecrow, a huge axe laid on the ground. The scarecrow made Christina nervous and she didn’t know why. She asked, “What story?” 

Peter cleared his throat and began to tell the story that was told by his insane aunt and terrified him when he was little:

“Once there were two brothers. One was the oldest and a respectable policeman named Patrick and the other was the youngest and a lonesome, crazy farmer named Rick. Rick was unstable because some said that their mother never loved as much as his brother. His brother always looked after him though. One Halloween night, a dozen of people from the town came to the patch, which was Patrick idea, for a party. Everything was going well and people were having fun until one hyper, little boy picked up the biggest pumpkin from the patch and accidentally dropped it, smashing it on the ground. Rick suddenly went into a rage, picking up an axe. His brother tried to calm him down but Rick hit Patrick in the back of the head and knocked him unconscious, leaving the innocent people at Rick’s mercy. First, with one quick swing of the axe, he decapitated the little boy’s and the boy’s mother’s head, their heads rolling at his feet. Then he went on a killing spree, murdering everyone at the party; decapitating, disemboweling, and cutting throats. By the time Patrick woke back up, everybody was dead, their blood and intestines splattered everywhere, including on the pumpkins, and the odor of death was thick in the air. Rick was about to attack him but he had a gun and shot his crazed brother, killing him instantly. Because of his extreme guilt from the massacre, Patrick then shot himself. People say that ever since that night, the soil is cursed because of all of the spilt blood and the dead still haunt the patch every Halloween night. The scarecrow also wears the clothes that Rick wore that night and is possessed by the farmer’s sick soul…waiting to come alive…to kill again!” 

Peter then jumped behind Christina as he spoke the last sentence of the story and wrapped his arms around her waist, making her laugh. 

“That is such a bull crap story,” she laughed, acting like she didn’t believe one word of it. Yet, she was walking faster now. 

“My Aunt Leanna told me the story,” he replied. 

Christina asked, “Did you tell me that she was institutionalized last year?” 

“Well,” he said with a slight chuckle, “I’ve always said that she would be a female version of Stephen King if she wasn’t such a looney toon.” 

“You’re terrible,” she snickered.

As they continued to walk, a church bell rang from a distance, striking twelve. Christina kept her eyes nervously on the scarecrow the whole time. She didn’t like the thing at all. Then, all of a sudden, the fog evaporated away and what they saw made both of their hearts stop in mid-beat. All of the pumpkins were seating in a straight line and carved, having faces of complete anguish. Human blood oozed out of the pumpkins’ faces and Christina felt her stomach turn. 

“Oh my…,” she exclaimed. 

Peter only could stand there in disbelief, his face turning pale. 

“Let’s call the cops,” she said, trying desperately to hide her panic. 

He guffawed and replied, “And say what babe? The pumpkins are bleeding?”   

Christina was about to dial 9-1-1 anyway when the unnerving, shrill sound of screams surrounded them out of nowhere and pierced their ears. The screams were of men, women, and children, getting louder, louder, and LOUDER. Christina and Peter both cried out in pain and covered their ears tightly, feeling like their eardrums were about to burst. They both dropped their phones and broke them. They tried to make a run for it. They were only steps away from out of the pumpkin patch but a sheet of fog reappeared at their exit. When they tried to go through it, it felt like they were choking, their throats abruptly closing, so they dashed back. 

 The screaming continued and to their absolute horror, ghostly hands busted through the top of the pumpkins. Peter shrieked and Christina was petrified but she was trying to think of what to do next. The screams then stopped unexpectedly but the hands were waving wildly at something behind Peter. Christina looked and her worse fear of the night was realized. The scarecrow was now standing behind Peter with its pumpkin head tilted slightly and the axe raised in the air, getting ready to kill. “PETER..RUN,” she shouted, grabbing his shirt.

They ran through the patch, going through a jungle of hands, as the scarecrow chased them. They kept dodging the swaying blade but the scarecrow was getting closer by the minute. They just wanted to escape this nightmare but the wall of fog was still there. As they were running, Peter tripped and fell, and before Christina knew what was happening, the scarecrow grabbed him by his collar. 

“PETER, HOLD ON!” She ferociously  kicked the scarecrow in the head and he fell over, throwing Peter onto the ground. Then she tried to grab the axe but the scarecrow stood back up and twisted her arm. She cried to Peter, “RUN NOW!” 

Peter couldn’t move though. He wanted to help his girl but he didn’t know how. Christina finally got away from the scarecrow’s grip and she attempted to kick again but the scarecrow swiftly swung his axe, cutting her deeply in the abdomen. Her blood squirting out, she gasps in agony and fell. 

Peter cried out in despair and ran to her side. The scarecrow crept closer towards them and Peter was ready to die with her but she somehow got back up. With quivering lips and blood flowing out of her gut and mouth, she punched the scarecrow’s swinging arm. He lost his grip on his axe and she caught it. The scarecrow came at her and she swung with all of the strength she had left, chopping his pumpkin head off. The scarecrow moved about like a headless chicken and she continued chopping violently until he was no more. Peter was amazed. 

Her eyes rolling back in her head, she fell back down and Peter held her dying body. There was one explosion of screams for a second, the dead hands disappearing and the pumpkins being intact. Regular fog now covered the whole area again and everything seemed back to normal. 

“I’m so sorry,” he sobbed, “I should’ve…” 

“Don’t…,” she coughed.

“But you’re going to die,” he wept.

“Well, to die will be an awfully big adventure,” she said, quoting Peter Pan and smiling weakly. 

“I love you,” he said, kissing her cold, bloody lips.

“I love you too,” she uttered, slowing fading away. She died in his arms that frightful Halloween night. Peter never had a restful night again and she became another tortured soul, her blood being soaked into the earth. 

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

Happy Halloween people!!! :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Wonderland Fall Camp 2011

Last weekend I went to Wonderland Camp for the Fall Festival. I saw my old friends: Kortney, Angie, Mary, Whitney, Tesha, Hope, Colleen, Lois, Ann, Michelle, Chris, Allen, Alena, Polly, Kelsey, Sam, and Bethany. I also made some new friends: Caroline and Abby. It was my brother-in-law’s niece Lauren’s first time being at Wonderland as well. On Friday when we first got there, we just hung out in the dinning hall and watched a movie called “Bridge to Terabithia” . I always liked that movie. Despite it having a sad ending, I noticed that during the movie all of the campers, including Kortney and I, were extremely hyper and were practically bouncing off of the walls. I think that we were only half watching the movie. It was awesome to see everyone’s smiles. Later that evening, we sat around the campfire, sang songs, and ate s’mores. It was a beautiful, nippy, starry night with the campfire aroma in the air. Kortney, Lauren, and I were staring at sparkling stars. I made a wish on a star that looked bigger and brighter from the rest. It was a great, relaxing night.

On Saturday morning, we went to the water front and rode the boat. It was a blustery ride and Kortney and I sat close to each other to keep warm. After the boat ride, Angie and I hung out in the dinning hall while I drank my Pepsi Throwback. Later that afternoon, we had a hay ride. Kortney, Hope, Kelsey, Angie, Mary, Lauren, and I were goofing around on the ride, making each other laugh. Then after the ride, we painted pumpkins and it was fun and messy. My pumpkin was very colorful. At dinnertime, I got a special surprise. Alena had a special letter for me and I had to sing a silly song to her to get it (sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, the only song that popped in my head at the time). It was so funny. The letter was from my friend Joe and I was so, so excited! Then that evening, the dance began. I wore my glittery gray shirt, my black skinny jeans, and black shoes. The hall was filled with rumbling music and the spinning lights were as dazzling as ever. The crowd was a mixture of people wearing Halloween costumes and people just wearing dress clothes. It was an interesting sight. I danced with all of my friends, especially Chris, Hope, Angie, Whitney, Michelle, and Lauren. It was an amazing night!!

On Sunday, we just played bingo in the morning. I finally won! After bingo, I went to the game room then the cabin. I was reading a random book until my parents came. The book was “the return of the Indian”, the sequel to “the Indian in the Cupboard”. This weekend was a blast! It was good to see friends. I’m looking forward to next summer, to more extraordinary memories.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Orange and Black



Orange and Black

Spellbinding October is coming, the time of orange and black; time of rolling pumpkins and screeching, mischievous imps. It’s the time for fallen multicolored leaves of all shapes and sizes on the ground crunching underneath your feet and for the darkest nights with the most bizarre shadows, both looking like captivating Autumn paintings. People will ask you with playful smiles rather if you want a trick or a treat, sweets melting on your tongue. The chill of the bitter wind will touch your spine and you’ll get the peculiar urge to dance underneath the moonlight.  

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

I love October, especially Halloween. :)

Monday, September 19, 2011

Love is Everywhere

I drew on this on the computer, inspired by the efforts of the non-profit organization To Write Love On Her Arms. They're dedicated to helping those struggling with addiction, depression, self-injury, and suicide. I fully support this cause. Love is everywhere even in the darkness.  

Shadow Princess's Stylebook from September 2011

Shadow Princess's Stylebook from September 2011

Click the link above to see my A-Z Dress Up avatars

Monday, September 12, 2011

What I Never Told You

What I Never Told You

 2007-2009 (3 years of hell)

I never thought that a random person that I chatted with online would alter my life until I met Daemon Corns from Glasgow, Scotland.  He tried to not only alter it but smash it into pieces. I was his puppet on strings, being controlled by his words. Things weren't always that insane with Daemon. We were quite sweet back in the day. I met him on, a writing site in 2007.  We chatted daily for hours, sharing stories and poetry, and it was a blast. He had an alluring Scottish accent and seemed so captivating, passionate, funny, and romantic. I'll never forget that summer  night when he first instant messaged me and turned on his cam, then seeing his charming smile and jungle green eyes. Even though he was only seventeen and I was twenty when we first met, the undeniable attraction was there. He was already promised me that he would be my best friend forever and that he would never hurt me. Everything seemed so perfect. I was instantly hooked on him. We were so innocent and child-like back then.

A year had passed and he was now eighteen. I was ready to tell him about my feelings. I wrote him a love poem called My Escape and posted it on StoryWrite:

“You’re my escape; my friend when life is too much to take. Even though we haven’t talked face to face, it feels like I know you, for you are so kind and true. We make a connection from miles away, We bond in a different place and time; always on each other’s minds. Will we ever meet? Will I ever see you smile at me? I have no idea, the future is the thing that I can’t foresee. But I want our friendship to stay;  to never change, come what may.”

It took him a while to realize that it was about him, but he finally got it and he told me that he felt the same. I was on cloud nine. I thought that he truly loved me. While being his “online girlfriend“, he said that he would be with me for the rest of his life. Blindly, I was in awe. A guy never said such things to me before. Things were no longer child-like between us but all of my sense went out of the window. He acted like we were in a real, adult relationship and we even made a promise to meet and marry someday. I loved the rush that he gave me. In my mind, I saw a small, quaint, green colored house that would look like a dollhouse that I had as a kid, sitting on a hill and Daemon and I starting a life together in it. Then, before I knew what was coming or realize what mistake I was making, my fairy tale quickly turned into a nightmare.

It was a chilly October and I had went out of the town for a Halloween weekend at Lazy Dayz Camp. When I got home, I was ready to tell my so-called “loving boyfriend” about all of the fun things that I did but I noticed that something was wrong. His replies came too slow and he seemed distracted and indifferent. “What wrong?” I typed, being weary of his answer. His reply was quick this time and he abruptly confessed. He had cheated on me by kissing another girl and then more swiftly than I could blink, he broke up with me, which broke my heart beyond belief.  He didn’t even bother to say sorry. He just got offline. “He can’t,” I thought desperately, “Why?” I fell out of my desk chair and onto the floor. I cried myself to sleep until my throat was sore and somehow got a high fever. I told myself to block him but I didn’t. I was usually a smart woman. Normally, I wouldn’t  a boy get to me but something held me back. We got “back together” a few months later. We broke up and got back together six times. There was always another girl in the picture but I thought that I was in love and I didn't care about the extreme pain that his lies put me through or if he was just using me. I kept coming back and waited around online like a sick puppy.

By the time he was nineteen, he had changed and not in a good way. he was lying more, becoming so aloof and cold and he was a careless womanizer as well. He would sometimes get online just to start an argument, saying that I was annoying, a crazy witch, nothing but his dumb lass. He would also send me graphic, sleazy  pictures of him with other girls. Lies and hurtful words are like computer viruses. They rapidly spread and infecting everything in your heart and mind, making you malfunction until your whole system completely shuts down.  My self-esteem was slowly fading and I didn’t know what to do.

Like a fool, I wanted him back again after a sixth time of breaking up so one Friday night in May in 2009, I poured out my heart and soul to him but this time he finally rejected and dropped me like a bad habit. The loving Daemon who I fell for was nothing but a memory now. He abandoned his promises to me and he lost his pleasant spirit for good. His rejection finally made me come back to reality, made me see the light. I bawled so hard that night but I knew that I was going to be okay. I knew now that I didn't need him to survive. I would raise above this and pick myself from the ground. It hurt like hell but I just saved myself by hitting Delete.

Summer 2010 (a year later)

After Daemon, I stupidly “online dated” other losers like him and it always ended the same; me crying on the floor like an idiot. Then I soon came to the conclusion that the only men that I could trust were my dad, brother-in-law, and my uncles. Well…that was before I met my friend Maxwell. I met him at Lazy Dayz Camp one hot July week. He was a new volunteer at the time. I first saw him in the noisy, crowded dinning hall from a distance and I didn‘t know why but I kept staring at him. I didn’t get to talk to him though until the pool party that night. He was walking by when he saw me sitting on the side of the pool. He stopped mid-step and walked over to me. I tried not to blush.

Maxwell was like a ray of sunshine from the first hello. He kept me smiling. He was so funny. He would say, and believe it or not, sing anything just to get a laugh. His mischievous and boyish but warm smile and twinkling eyes gave me butterflies in my stomach and it was hard not to get giddy. I loved how he talked to me, being so understanding and accepting. He listened to me and I felt safe with him. I could tell him anything. As the week went on, I could that he was also compassionate with others. I saw him with other people and I could tell that he truly cared.

Later that week, Maxwell and I were at the camp dance. As the bright lights were spinning and the music was booming throughout the hall, he was twirling me ’round and ’round. It made me dizzy; faces, shapes, and colors blurring together but I loved it. It felt as though I was flying. I laughed and happily squealed until my throat was raw. In the middle of the dance floor, we then made a pact to be best friends forever and this time it was true.

Now, I was chatting online and sending letters to a friend who really could be trusted. It was as though I knew Maxwell all my life. No, we weren’t romantically involved like I secretly thought would’ve been amazing.  We were just close friends but I was so happy that he was in my life. I learned that sometimes I only needed to surround myself with people who are real and who honestly care about me. What I never told Maxwell is simple and from the bottom of my heart…Thank you for being a friend. I’m truly grateful to have you.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

This is loosely based off true events but this story is fictional. I wanted to show that cyber bullying can easily turn serious if you let it and that real friendship is out there.

Friday, September 9, 2011

God Is...

*In memory of 9/11*

God is the whisper of comfort in your ear,
God is always there.
God is the friend to talk to
when you feel alone.
God cries with you,
He understands your pain.
Don’t give up,
Everyone is safe with Him.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

Always remember...

Thursday, September 8, 2011

An Update


How are you all? I've been busy. I've started another psychology class online. It's interesting. I also submitted a horror story to a magazine called Dark Moon Digest. I'll know within 90 days if they'll publish it or not (keep your fingers crossed). I'm planning to start writing "the Impairy Story: Part 3" soon as well. I'm getting ideas. I'm going to Wonderland on September 30th for the fall weekend. I can't wait! Well, gotta roll. See you all later! Love you. 

Like A Teddy Bear

Like A Teddy Bear

Even though I’m loosening my grip on you for the both of us to find out what’s out there in the world, I’ll still love you like crazy. I’ll smile sincerely as I watch you change but I’ll always see the adorable Peter Pan-like joy in your eyes. I won’t cry as you say goodbye. I do want you to be happy. Even though I release you, my heart will always secretly cuddle you like a teddy bear. 

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

I was listening to love songs and thinking about one of my best friends when I wrote this. I was in a sappy mood. :) 

Monday, August 29, 2011

Jefferson County, MO's Urban Legends

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading ghost stories online and I started to wonder if there were any scary stories/legends in my town like Tennessee has the legend of the Bell Witch. I began to do some research. Here's what I found.  These stories make Jefferson County seem more interesting.

Arnold Cemetery: Even though there is very little history on this place, people claim that there is paranormal activity going here like shadowy figures and cold spots.

Wehrenberge Arnold 14 Cine: Ever since the theater was built, people have claimed that there is an evil presence there. During a movie, there was reportedly a bone-chilling wind hitting people out of nowhere. People also say that they can sometimes feel an unseen thing touching them all over. Clean-up workers at midnight claim as well that they've seen shadows and ghostly figures in the hallways, and reflections of bloody and disfigured people in the bathroom mirrors. (Remind me not to go into the bathrooms again).

Festus Middle School: During a performance of "Peter Pan" in the school's gym, a boy was accidentally hung and killed. Now it is said that his ghost haunts the gym. Students claimed that they went into the gym while it was dark and made contact with the boy. They also said that a shadow figure ran at and pushed a student against the wall and that there was tapping sound on the walls to the rhythm of a Peter Pan song. (Extremely creepy).   


Drip, Drip

Drip, drip goes your blood off of my lip,
as I get a taste on my tongue and you scream in pain.
Drip, drip goes the rain out in the cold night,
as I tie you tightly up.
You beg me not to kill you,
but I have to,
You have to feel my hurt!

You’re a liar, a coward, a murderer!
You act like you have a tender heart with a passionate beat,
but your heart is painted black!
You plea with me to have some mercy,
Why should I?

I still remember that terrifying night like it’s yesterday.
You said that our love was meant to be,
that I was all you needed,
but it was a trick.
As I followed you into the dark alley,
you grabbed and drugged me,
dragging me to a palace of evilness.

When I woke up,
you were selling me to a vampire,
like I was some piece of meat, like some slave in need of a new master.
The vampire gave you the money and you were shaking his hand.
With my mind spinning in confusion,
All that I could do is scream.
Then the vampire with luscious, hellish red hair held me down in his big arms
and his fangs sank painfully into my neck,
sucking, sucking, sucking,
as I was hopelessly shrieking, praying, fighting, dying!
You were there watching him,
obviously regretful but doing nothing.
Why did you pick me to be his victim?

Now I’m this horrific vampiress, this lifeless monster!
Tonight it’s your turn to feel the agony and fear.
I could give you this curse and let you live,
but all that you’ll do is find another girl and deceive her;
So I straddle in your lap and push you back,
exposing your throat and neck.
With you screaming in horror,
I bite into your flesh,
going deeper and deeper,
tearing into you.
Slurp, slurp go my lips,
as you slowly swift towards death.
Drip, drip goes the rain out in the cold night,
as your body is tortured and drained.
Drip, drip, dip!

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

 A vampire poem :)

Thursday, August 18, 2011

2011 Walk Now For Autism Speaks

Please support my cousin Logan Holdman at the 2011 walk for Autism Speaks at Forest Park on October 15th. The walk raises money for Autism research and awareness. The event is for all of the family but you can't make it, please donate on his page. . Thank you.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Wonderland Camp August 2011


Last week I went to Wonderland Camp and it was awesome! I saw my old friends: Kortney, JJ, Hope, Colleen, Dustin, Lois, Alena, Esther, Toby, Sam, and Tripp. I also made new friends: Ann, Tesha, Michelle, Nick, and Scott. It felt good to be at my second home and see friendly faces. On Sunday, we had karaoke night. Everyone was singing, dancing, and laughing. I sang “Right Here (Departed)” by Brandy. Then I hung out with Dustin and Tripp. It was a very good evening.

On Monday morning, we had Crafts, Music, and Rec. For Crafts, we tie-dyed our shirts. I was so excited because they had black dye for once. I dyed my shirt all black with spiral designs. For Music, we sang all of the camp songs. Esther then read aloud a couple of chapters from a “Babysitters Club” book to us.  For Rec, we played board games in the dinning hall. I played checkers with Tesha and I was sort of relearning the rules as we were playing. I lost but it was fun. In the afternoon, my cabin stayed in and watched a movie. We watched “Alice In Wonderland”, which I love. It was nice just to relax. Then, in the evening, we went swimming for a while. I swam with Nick. He was so silly. We bounced and twirled around the pool. After swimming, it was camp movie night and we watched “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. It put me and the other counselors in a Christmas mood. I caught myself singing Christmas carols by the end of the night.

On Tuesday morning, we went to the waterfront and rode the boat. With the slow waves in the water and the warm sun on my face, the boat ride was so soothing that I fell asleep again. Then after waterfront, we took showers and watched the movie “the Phantom of the Opera”. We loved, loved, loved that movie. We played and sang the soundtrack for the rest of the week.  In the afternoon, we had Nature and game room. In Nature, we played bingo and it was fun. Apparently Esther was both Music and Nature director because Dustin became a cabin leader that week and Joe, as most know, is away at army boot camp right now. When Esther gave me my bingo card, I noticed that they were the same cards that Joe used when he was Nature director back in June. I saw his recognizable handwriting and slightly misspelled words and I have to admit, this made me smile. Then we went to the game room. I played on the jukebox and a computer game until lunchtime. In the evening, we went swimming again. I swam and hung out with Nick and Hope. They were funny together. It was a great day.

On Wednesday morning, we had Crafts, Music, and Rec. For Crafts, we got to color and decorate blank booklets. I decorated mine in a Peter Pan theme. I always get in touch with my inner child while at camp. It was very amusing. For Music, we practiced for the talent show and then read some more of “the Babysitters Club”. For Rec, we hung out on the playground and talked. After lunchtime, while my other cabin mates did nothing for three whole hours, I talked Kortney and JJ into sitting in the dark bathroom to tell ghost stories and to play the game, Bloody Mary. It’s a game where you have to spin in circles in front of a mirror and chant, “Bloody Mary” a hundred times to see if her ghostly face appears in the mirror. We were scaring each other and giggling into our hands. Then in late afternoon, we had the camp carnival. The games were cool, everyone got prizes no matter what, and we had snow cones.  I got a banana flavored one. In the evening, the talent show then started. For our group talent, my cabin did a skit. Tesha was the coach and we were football players. We had black lines on our faces and with the song “the Eye of the Tiger” playing, we ran through a paper banner as Tesha introduced us. We then huddled together and did a cheer. For my individual talent, I read a poem that I wrote called “Ghosts in the Woods”. I notice that I’m less nervous when I read aloud now. People liked it a lot. The talent show was entertaining with good songs and interesting talents. Kortney even sang Taylor Swift’s “Teardrops on my Guitar” by herself and I was so proud of her. It was a enjoyable evening.

On Thursday, Kortney, Ann, JJ, and I hung out in the game room all morning. Kortney and I were chasing Scott around the room. It was so hilarious. We had him against the wall for a moment and we were laughing so hard. In the afternoon, we had beauty shop in our cabin. Michelle did our make-up and hair and another counselor named Sarah did nails. After dinner, the dance began. I wore a white and black, spaghetti strapped top, my favorite skinny jeans, my black Chinese Mary Janes, my dangling, silver earrings, my big, purple ring that glowed in the dark, and my favorite black wristband. My hair was also spiked. The dinning hall with balloons and green, polka dot looking lights everywhere was quickly filled with people dancing. People were constantly taking pictures and singing at the top of their lungs as well. Loud music and dancing make me happy. I danced all night with friends and on my own at times. The night was absolutely amazing.

On Friday morning, we had awards. I got the Best Writer Award because I liked to write poetry and stories. We also got to watch the camp video and there were actually a lot of pictures of me with my eyes open for a change. After the awards, we basically just signed shirts and hung out until our rides got there. Even though I hated leaving my friends again, I know that I’ll be back soon. It’s not really goodbye. I’ll have even more friends and memories to remember and write about.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

the Forgotten Never Forget

I’m watching you tonight with a soundless, shattered heart. I watch you longingly as you type a text on your phone, chuckling at a comedian on television. It’s been four years since you graduated and came home from college. When you, Peter, left town, you were the eighteen-year-old boy with alluring eyes and smile who I met that summer and promised to be my best friend forever. I, Marie, was the young, pony tailed girl who idolized everything you did and always wanted to be near you. All that hot summer, we were attached to the hip, racing up and down the street, jumping in the lake, and dancing underneath the bright moonlight with a Jason Aldean song softly playing on the radio in your truck. Everything was perfect until August. I even knew back then that you would forget about me. I already saw the distance in your eyes and it hurt inside but I had to let you go and I vowed to myself to wait for you anyway. As time went by and I waited for the letters that were never written, I faded away from your memory. Now you have a brand new life, never noticing that I’m still waiting.

I cry, I scream, standing right in front of you but you don’t see me. You feel the coldness of my despair but you just cover yourself up with a sheet. I furiously throw a newspaper across the room and pages fly everywhere. You just pick them up but what you read stops you in your tracks. It’s the obituaries. When you see my picture and name, all of the color leaves your face. I’ve died last week, having drank some poison one night. They found my body with Jason Aldean gently singing on my CD player in my car underneath the moonlight. Where were you? I was all alone!

“Oh Marie…,” you said with a quiver in your voice, looking sorrowfully at my picture. Tears are building up in your eyes. As you glance up into the mirror in front of you, you finally see me in the reflection. You drop the paper at your feet. My pale, lifeless, tragic face stares at you with blood tears rolling down my cheeks. You can’t talk, barely breathing. You put a hand on the mirror. Then, you can finally hear my voice.

I tenderly whisper, “Remember me Peter?” You just nod your head, weeping too hard now to speak.

“I just want you to know,” I continue, “that even though you forgot all about me, I never forgot you. I waited everyday for my best friend! I might have never had said this to you before but I truly love you Peter and never stopped when you left. When I realized that you even forgot that I existed, I lost something inside. I think that I was already dead before the poison. I love you and always will!”

All that you can do is cry as I finish my last sentence. With passion and slight rage, I then punch the glass of the mirror, smashing it and I disappear. You fall onto your knees, feeling ashamed, lost, and heartbroken. You try and try to get me to come back but I don’t. I can still hear your voice though. You are whimpering nonstop, “I love you too, I love you too Marie, I’m so sorry.”

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

*COMPLETELY FICTIONAL* I was thinking about stuff one late Friday night and this story just popped in my head. I was also inspired by the song above: "Miss Invisible" by Marie Digby.

NKOTBSB Concert and Harry Potter Movie

Last week, I went to the New Kids On The Block and Backstreet Boys concert and last Sunday, I saw the last Harry Potter movie. The concert was awesome! I went with my sister Amanda. Our seats were high but the stage was still so close to us, which was amazing. One of the opening acts were Matthew Morrison from Glee. He was very good. He really could sing and he was funny. Both New Kids and Backstreet Boys were great! They sang all of our favorites. Amanda and I were screaming, singing, and dancing. It was also exciting to see Nick Carter and Joey McIntyre live.  They were still dreamy. ;-) 
On Sunday, Mom and I saw Harry Potter. I loved it! They made the movie like the book as much as they could. It was bittersweet to see it all end.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Just Thoughts Of Wisdom

Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, relaying on loved ones isn’t a sign of helplessness. Opening up to people doesn’t make you pathetic. When life turns unfair and dark, you shouldn’t just quit. Showing emotions makes you human. Just remember that God is always with you.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

Perfect World

Love the lyrics to this song!

Friday, July 8, 2011

My Awesome Family

My family is awesome! We've always been tight. No matter what life throws at us, we face it together. Nobody's perfect but we're always there for each other. I love my family so much! I thank God for them every single day!

The Happy Single Queen

Some women my age are so blindly involved in dating. They’re desperately searching for Mr. Perfect, kissing every “frog” no matter how slimy they are but I’m different. Yes, once upon a time, I was that girl who thought that finding a man was key to happiness but after several cheaters and after the demented, torture-fascinated guy who I’m pretty sure was the Jack the Ripper of 2011, that belief soon changed. I’m not saying that I completely gave up on romance. I still have the sweetest fantasies about romance but I’m just not that helpless princess who was waiting longingly up in her tower for knight in shining armor to save her anymore. I’m the single and extremely happy queen who is enjoying life on her own. I’m very open minded and I still daydream. If romance wants to make a comeback and if there’s a guy out there who will prove that he’s my king, I’m all for it. He just have to be worthy enough to be with me and impress me in a major way.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

Dear Max

Dear Max,
If you ever read this,
I just want you to know how important you are to me.
You’re my best friend, my safe haven, my fantasy, my light.
When I’m around you,
everything feels so right.
My heart feels joyful and protected.
We do the silliest things,
Like running up and down the street,
like spinning around and around till we’re dizzy.
I can do nothing but smile when you’re near,
You sing to me and the world disappears.
I don’t care about the words,
The beauty is in your voice.
I know that I can never be your girl
that my dream of us can’t ever come true
but I needed to say at lease on paper that my feelings are real.
I truly love you.
You might think that you’re just an ordinary guy
but to me, you’re more special than the moon in the sky.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

Max is made up! ;-)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Wonderland Camp 2011


Last week, Wonderland Camp at the Lake of the Ozarks was fun. I saw my old friends: Kortney, Mary, Angie, Joe, Kelsey, Ashley, Toby, Dustin, Lois, and Alena. I also made some new friends: Erika, Hope, Taylor, Colleen, Rachel, and Heather. It felt so good to be surrounded by all those caring people. It felt like I was at my second home. On Sunday, we had the pool party. Beach balls were flying and people were hollering all around me. The water was chilly but it was very fun. I swam with Erika and we goofed around with Joe. He was so funny. He was trying to give me a mohawk with my wet hair.

On Monday morning, it was raining cats and dogs so we had inside activities. At first, in the game room, I was writing a song with Dustin on the back of the coloring page. Then, I made bead bracelets with Joe in the dinning hall (he loves driving my chair). My bracelet was so cool! The beads glowed in the dark. That afternoon, we played bingo and Joe sat by me. That evening was karaoke night. After five years of camp, I finally talked Kortney into singing with me while Kelsey held the microphone for us. We sang “Because Of You” by Kelly Clarkson. We rocked!

On Tuesday, it was raining again and we had inside activities. I doodled pictures with some friends until lunchtime. By the afternoon, the rain stopped and we rode the boat. The boat ride was very bumpy but entertaining. After the boat ride, while the rest of my cabin took a nap, I decided to go up in the tree house to see Joe and play “nature bingo”. That evening was movie night. We saw “Up”. It was a cute movie. I liked the talking dogs in it. After the movie, Joe drove me to my cabin at the highest speed. It was hilarious. He was zigzagging my chair down the sidewalk. The other counselors and campers were giggling and I was laughing so hard. Joe is so much fun!

On Wednesday, we had Crafts, Rec, and Music. In Crafts, we tie-dyed our camp shirts. My shirt was purple and blue with a tiny bit of pink in the middle (I can’t stand pink but they only had three colors). My shirt was cool though. In Rec, we tossed the ball to each other. In music, we practiced for the talent show for a while and then Dustin sung and played some songs on the piano. He was so good. That afternoon, during pool time, I went to the splash pad. The splash pad was like a mini water park above the pool. Water was shooting out from pipes everywhere and they ran me through it in a shower chair. The water was ice cold but it was awesome! That evening was the talent show. While waiting for our turn to perform, Joe sat by me and Kortney and sung every song. Both Kortney and I couldn’t help but to laugh. It was darling (yes, I said darling).  It’s the silliest moments that I remember. For our group talent, my cabin performed “Come On, Ride The Train” and went around the room, doing the arm motions. For my individual talent, I sang “Crazy” by Britney Spears. That night was a blast!

On Thursday, we had Nature and Music. In Nature, we shot BB guns. Joe helped me and I got a perfect bull’s-eye. In Music, we played random instruments. Then all that afternoon, the girls got ready for the dance, listening to soothing music. Ashley painted my nails dark gray and Mary spiked my hair. After dinner was the dance. I wore a dark purple and blue top, my favorite skinny jeans, a black bow on the side of my head, and my black shoes. The dinning hall was crowded, my spinning lights were bright, and the music was just blaring. I danced with everyone including, Dustin, Kortney, Taylor, and Colleen, but I danced with Joe the most. He was twirling around and around, being goofy. I was beyond dizzy, people’s faces and shapes blurring together for a second, but I didn’t care. It felt like I was on a rollercoaster. I was with my friends, surrounded by loud music, and I was in heaven.

On Friday, the last day, we had awards. I got the “Lone Wolf Bingo Player” award for being the only one in my cabin who played bingo in Nature. I also got the “Crazy Driver” award for speeding (as a joke). People were signing each other’s shirts and saying goodbye. Then, as my parents pulled up, Joe raced my chair to my cabin one more time and he gave a big hug. I always find Fridays bittersweet because of all the farewells but I always know that I’ll be back soon. Camp won’t ever change and the memories are engraved in my mind. I can’t wait until next time!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Impairy Story: Part 2 is posted!!!

A new chapter of The Impairy Story is written! The impairy stories are fun to write and hope that you like this chapter. To read it, go to:  or . I was thinking about making it a 10 or 15 series instead of just 3 or 5. What do you think?

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Scotty Mccreery: the 2011 American Idol

Scotty won Idol last night and I was ecstatic! He became my favorite after James Durbin, who should've been in the Top 2, got kicked off. Scotty is a good country singer and such a sweetheart. His single "Love You This Big" is a darling song. I'm probably going to ask my sister to download it off of i-tunes soon because I love it so much. Yay Scotty!!!  

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Hi everyone,

How are you? I just want to give you an update. I've been studying and writing off and on (though I keep on getting writer's block). I've been writing Part 2 of the Impairy Story. I think that after this online class that I'm slowly taking, I'll write the impairy story all day and night. I just need to focus one day and not get on Facebook :) . Last Friday, I went to Mrs. "Grandma" Allen's retirement party. She was my high school teacher and we call her Grandma because being in her classroom felt like going to your grandma's house (baking cookies and love). It was fun. All of my best friends came together. I love Grandma Allen. Last Saturday, I went to the Renaissance Fair where people are dressed in costumes. It was a blast! They had shows, games, and shops. I saw people dressed as fairies, kings and queens, knights, and elves. This one elf was so hot with long hair and leather clothes :) ! Well, that's about it. Later!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Chasing a Demonic Love

Chasing a Demonic Love

In a dream, I was walking in a lovely garden at night. The night was incredibly dark but I could see that the garden had beautiful, purple orchids. It was a purple haven that I could easily get lost in. The atmosphere was strangely quiet and surreal but serene. I also noticed that I was wearing a flowing, white dress that blew in the calm wind. Then, as I was walking, I heard a voice whisper, “Come and get me.”

I exclaimed in fear, “What? Who’s there?” I didn’t get a reply. The alluring voice just kept saying repeatedly, “Come and get me.” I followed the voice through the garden and to a labyrinth. I stood at the entrance of the labyrinth and I saw the person behind the voice. It was a young man with captivating eyes and a flirtatious smile. I could see his big, muscular, and shirtless body and I blushed, my heart pounding wildly. I suddenly wanted this stranger with every fiber of my being. He said to me in a playful but a sensual tone, “Come on, chase me.” He then disappeared deep into the labyrinth. My desire for him was too great and I stepped forward.

When I entered the labyrinth, my white dress turned black and the wind became ferocious. I began running. I ran left, I ran right, I ran around into dead end after dead end. No matter what I did, he was close enough to be seen but never close enough to touch. Was he good or evil? Did he really love me or was I only running into a trap? I didn’t know or care. This burning in my soul felt like an extreme hungry. I just had to touch something that seemed forbidden…I just had to have him.

After what seemed like hours of running, we were suddenly face to face. He passionately pulled me close to me and his eyes were intense. Feeling his warmth, I wrapped my arms around his neck. With my eyes closed, we kissed eagerly and his kiss was so intoxicating. I felt weak at the knees and lightheaded but I liked it. I wanted more. Then, he whispered, “You just can’t resist a demonic love, can’t you my dear?” I opened my eyes and I saw that his eyes were now red and his smile had jagged fangs. I tried to escape from his grip but he held me tightly. I screamed in utter horror and despair as he cackled wickedly and put a sack over my head. I then woke up with a quite start, breaking into a cold sweat, my body quivering with fright.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

The song above inspired this story. It was fun to write on Friday night.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Impairy Web Site

 Happy Easter!!! How are you? I've created a web site for my online story series "The Impairy Story" . I'll post new chapters there. Click: . If you haven't read the prologue or part 1, you can there.

P.S. The prologue is the second post on the impairy web site so please scroll down first there before you read part 1 if you haven't read the prologue.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Heart of Ice


 Heart of Ice 

 Here comes the princess with the heart of ice. Princess Pepper has everyone fooled except for Prince Andrew and me. She acts like she cares about her kingdom, acts like a bleeding heart that would sacrifice for her subjects but she’s a vain, melodramatic, cruel, spoiled brat! Her father King Edward does anything to please her because she reminds him of her mother who died during childbirth. People die if Princess Pepper sheds just one tear or something doesn’t go her way, she laughs at the poor, starved, and unloved, and she squanders away the kingdom’s riches for her gold and magnificent dresses. She masks her malice with her incredible beauty, her brown eyes looking quite innocent, her golden hair shining in the sunlight and her marvelous clothing being so blinding but I can see straight through her.

My name is Violet and I’m her maid. I wear dresses of rags and my black unkempt hair is always up in a messy bun. I was born crippled and I’m in a wheelchair. When I was twelve, my family of ten children couldn’t afford to take care of me anymore. My mother and father gave me to the royal family as “help” when Princess Pepper was thirteen. Even then, she put on a show and told the king and my family that she would “adopt me” as her sister. They all cooed at her so-called sweet, selfless words. My parents even got it in their minds that I was going to be a lady-in-waiting someday but as soon as they all were gone, she slapped me and sneered, saying, “You’re such a pathetic and ugly thing!” I’ve been subjected to her royal nastiness ever since then, for nine years. She haven’t broken my spirit though and never will.

She works me as a slave, commanding to do tasks that I can barely do and if I make a mistake, she smacks me until I’m bleeding profusely. I loath this wicked princess but no one would believe me if I told. I would just be hung. Besides, enduring her abuse makes me stronger than her. Adding to my disgust for her, she is now having a prince forced to marry her. Prince Andrew’s father and King Edward have signed a treaty recently. The kingdoms have battling for many years and both kings thought that if their children joined in marriage that it was easier for the kingdoms to come together as one.

Prince Andrew is the kindest man that I ever met but yet Princess Pepper always has other suitors behind his back. He tried to end the engagement once but when he told the king that he was leaving due to the princess‘ behavior, she cried out, “Daddy, Daddy, make him stay! I can’t live without him, I’ll die without him!” The king being controlled by her like a puppet, then told the prince that he couldn’t break the engagement or leave, that it would break the treaty between our kingdom and his and if he did try to leave, he would be killed. The princess’ adultery was of course overlooked and he was forced to stay.

During the months he has been kept here practically as a high-valued prisoner, Prince Andrew and I have become comrades. I can talk to him for hours upon hours about anything. I can trust him with my secrets and my life. I tell him my dreams and he tells his, we make each other laugh, and we look out for one another. He even patches up my wounds when I have one of her beatings. For the first time, I have a friend that understands. There’s one thing that he doesn’t know though. I’m falling in love with him. When he talks to me, I sometimes get lost in his handsome green eyes and his stunning smile and forget my troubles. When I’m with him, I feel like and he treats me like a human being. Not crippled, not a maid, but a real lady. The words ‘I love you’ have been on the tip of my tongue for quite some time now but I’ve been unable to tell him, for fear of rejection, until this evening. I have a strange, sudden feeling of courage. This evening, I plan to tell him somehow.

Princess Pepper is in the garden with her ladies-in-waiting and Andrew reading. The sun is about to set at any second, the sky becoming different shades of pinks. I also can see the garden, which looks like a palace of purple, from my corner of my eye, from the walk-on balcony and I long to be out there with Andrew but I’m now struggling to dust her bedroom, my arm muscles trembling as I try to reach the top surfaces. Then Andrew unexpectedly walks in. He startles me and I nearly drop the cloth but he catches it and begins to dust the surfaces for me.

“I thought that you were reading with m’lady and the ladies outside,” I say.

“I was,” he replies, “until the light outside got too dim. We were going to the library when she started to say how much loved me. I didn’t want to hear her lies so I told her that I needed rest before dinner and her poor ladies-in-waiting went with her. Those brave souls have to listen to her.”

I giggle then I ask him, “Do you love her in any way?” I’m making sure before I say the words.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he laughs, “We both know that she’s horrid. I do pity her though. She will never know what real love is.”

“You’re a good man,” I tell him, “You should have a good woman to love you.” He stares at me warmly for a moment but then looks away.

“No woman can love me now,” he says, almost sorrowfully.

I tug at his sleeve dotingly. He smiles, drops the cloth, and kneels down to my eye level. Holding his hand, I say boldly, “Andrew, I love you…so much…more than a friend. You have a gentle heart and when I’m with you, I feel safe…normal…a feeling that I haven’t had in a while. I might not be a princess or the prettiest creature of the land but I would do anything to be with you. I love you with all of my heart.”

At first, he gazes at me silently for a minute, his face being unreadable. Then, he suddenly kisses my lips hard. It’s my first romantic kiss ever and the room begins spinning. He says joyously, “I love you too my beautiful, beautiful Violet! Been in love with you since I met you. You‘re an amazing, gorgeous woman.” He kisses me again and this time I kiss back with all of my might.

“You know,” he jokes, “I'm a prince. I’m suppose to be confessing my love to you, not the other way around.”

“I won’t tell if you won‘t,” I chuckle, as he caresses me. Then we hear Princess Pepper approaching the hall. I pick back up the cloth but Andrew grabs the handles of my wheelchair and we zoom out of the room. She doesn’t even realize that we were there.

“We will escape this place someday,” I whisper, as we hide in my closet-of-a-room, “I promise.”

Now, it’s late at night and I’m back in her room. She had a quarrel with her father at dinner about not having the right wedding cake and to appease her, he gets the cake and lets her try on her wedding dress for the hundredth time. She is gazing in her mirror, spinning around her room, dancing on the balcony, as her ladies-in-waiting and I give her fake praise. The flowing, white dress is stunning but her wickedness takes away the beauty of it. It seems like hours since she put it. All I want to do is to be with Andrew right now. Finally, she dismisses her ladies-in-waiting to bed but I have to stay until she takes off her dress.  I’m holding her crown for her.

She stands on the balcony, still wearing the dress and faces me. With a mocking smile, she says, “Oh Violet, it’s a shame that you will never this feeling.”

“What feeling m’lady?” I ask.

“The feeling of being beautiful like me and having a man like Andrew. Let’s face it, no man will want you,” she cackles.

My anger gets the best of me and my shaking hands drop her crown. She runs towards me furiously and about to smack me when rebellion consumes me. Using my wheelchair to ram into her shins, I push her with extreme force. She howls in pain and tumbles back onto the balcony. All of the years of abuse are giving the bravery for what I’m about to do. Before she can run, I come onto the balcony too and push her off of the edge. She screams in horror and with my heart pounding, I watch. With terror and shock in her eyes, she falls, falls, falls, falls, and falls…then CRACK, SNAP go her bones. I look down and I can her mangled body and her blood splattered everywhere but I also see a surprise. Underneath her dead body is King Edward. He is dead as well. It looks like their skulls had cracked against each other. I didn’t mean or want to kill the king.

“Did he even scream?” I ask aloud. Then the realization of what I’ve done hitting me, tears come to my eyes.  “I-I-I k-k-killed them b-b-both,” I stutter.

“You freed us,” a voice says behind me. It’s Andrew and he kisses the top of my head. He has been standing behind the door, watching. “You freed us my love,” he says again.

Having him near me, I can shake off the fear and guilt for a moment and I wipe my eyes. I jump into action. Andrew and I come up with a quick plan.

“We need to escape before the guards come,” I say.

“My horse is still in the stables,” he says.

“Can you carry me to your horse?” I ask. We have to leave our possessions behind including my wheelchair and don’t ever look back.

“Yes I can.” he replies. 

Then the warning bell begins to ring. Without another word, he swiftly picks up and cradling me in his arms, he bolts downstairs, bust through doors, and into the stables. The guards are chasing us now but both of us are too determined to leave to care. Andrew unties the horse one-handed while I’m in his arms. Before I know it, we are on the horse, breaking down the stable door and galloping out of the kingdom forever, disappearing into the dark night. Our future seems blurry and I am sorry about the king but I still feel free, I feel like a fighter. The princess with the heart of ice can’t manipulate us anymore. Her frozen heart will burn in Hell.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

A romantic tale with a very dark end.