Tuesday, December 29, 2020

Ramblings of a Cult Leader (a poem)

 



Would you be in an obscure cult? 
Would you let yourself be controlled like a puppet? 
No voice, no own thoughts. 
You'll only be a shell of yourself without fight.

Now, what if I was the leader of that cryptic cult? 
Would you let me manipulate, enchant you, 
promising you all of the glamour in the world? 
Would you be my wordless, loving, obedient puppet, 
worshipping my every step, my every word? 
What would you give up? 

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2020

Music by: Karliene 

Author Notes: This is just a creepy poem in which a cult leader is rambling and rambling, asking unnerving questions. 

Smooches and think Tink! 



Sunday, December 20, 2020

A Message from Santa (a Christmas story)




Everybody knows that Santa Claus visits children all over the world each year on Christmas Eve to leave presents but what people don't know is that one year, Santa talked to me over the radio to assure me that he was still coming despite what was going on in the world that year. It was December 2020 in Springfield, Illinois during the awful COVID-19 world pandemic. COVID-19 was the scariest virus that made people really, really sick. To prevent this icky virus from spreading, people wore surgical masks, didn't hug, kiss, or high-five, and stood six feet apart. Churches, restaurants, movie theaters, the library, and schools were also closed. I had to go to school on a laptop at home. The grown-ups called it virtual learning. I just missed my school friends and my teacher.

I, Petrina Mae Knight, was seven years old. I always wore my copper-red hair up in pigtails, I had violet eyes, and had dark-brown freckles on fair-skinned cheeks and nose. People told me that I had a smile that could light up an entire building and if I smiled hard enough, my nose would crinkle. During that year, I wore costume clothes more than regular clothes because we rarely went out. My favorite costume was my Tinkerbell dress and wings. Because it became so cold, Mommy said that I had to wear a green sweatshirt and leggings under the Tinkerbell dress to keep warm but I still loved it.  

I was usually a very happy girl and normally got even more excited for the whole month of December but during the COVID-19 stuff, I felt sort of lonely and sad. I couldn't play with my friends. I couldn't see my grandma and grandpa, or my aunts, uncles, or any of my cousins. All that we could do was stay home. We even wouldn't be able to visit anyone on Christmas either but I didn't say anything about how I was feeling because I didn't want to worry my mommy and daddy. 

My mommy and daddy always looked tired and stressed or they just would start arguing about things that I didn't understand. I was determined that we would have a merry Christmas though, despite the stupid COVID. We had sparkly decorations around the house, there was cheerful Christmas music on the radio, and fun Christmas movies and specials on TV. I was constantly listening to the radio and watched movies nightly. 

On a Friday night, two weeks before Christmas, I just finished watching "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"  in the living room. The news just came on. I normally didn't watch the news because it was so boring. I was about to turn off the TV and go to play with my toys before my mommy came to tell me that I had to get ready for bed. Then, I heard Mommy and Daddy arguing again in the kitchen so I left the TV on and tried to wait for the yelling to stop. 

I wasn't listening to the news until a crabby-looking anchorman with gray hair and an equally gray suit said dryly: "Reports are being circulated on the internet that Christmas should be canceled because of the pandemic. With the number of positive COVID-19 cases and the death toll rising, people feel like we shouldn't be celebrating the holidays this year. The CDC has neither encouraged nor discouraged this idea but people are even questioning if Santa Claus would risk traveling on Christmas Eve. Experts say..." 

I couldn't listen to the rest. It was too heartbreaking. People wanted to skip Christmas and there was a chance that Santa might not come that year. If he did come, the grown-ups thought that he might get sick. Despite my mommy and daddy still yelling, I ran past them to my room and slammed the door behind me. I would usually get scolded for slamming doors but they didn't seem to notice or care. 

Trying to cheer myself up, I turned on my portable boombox to the radio station that always played Christmas music. The lavender colored, portable boombox had an AM/FM radio and a CD/cassette player.  It was an early Christmas gift from Mommy. She was tired of me playing Christmas music on the Echo speakers throughout the house.  

I sat on my bedroom floor and played with my tall, Halloween dollhouse that my grandma got me the year before, which was home to my two cloth angel dolls with velvet wings that my Aunt Alice made for me. I was making my dolls fly and dance to the Christmas music but I couldn't stop thinking about what the grumpy anchorman had said.  Even though my daddy had always told me that not to believe everything that was on TV or the internet, questions kept tumbling in my head.
 
I then decided to get some answers. I put my dolls in their beds in the dollhouse and sat at my desk, pulling out a pencil and a piece of paper from my crafts bucket. I already wrote a letter to Santa, asking for a Peter Pan costume and some new baby dolls, but I was going to write to him again to get the truth. 

Dear Santa, I wrote, I know that I already wrote you a letter but I'm not asking for more presents. I have questions and I know that only you will know the answers. Can people cancel Christmas? Will Christmas even feel the same without all of my family and friends? I miss them. I'm kinda lonely this year. Are you still visiting kids and leaving gifts this year? Will it be safe for you? The virus is like a scary monster. It can get anyone. Santa, will anything be normal this year? Love, Petrina. 

As I carefully signed my name, I suddenly realized that the letter probably won't reach him in time. 


Devastated, I burst into tears and ran into my bed. I cried into my pillow until I fell asleep. Later that night, the sound of loud static woke me up. My radio was off-station. Wiping my sleepy eyes, I slowly walked towards my boombox to fix it. 

When I turned my radio back to the Christmas station, I heard a man chuckle: "Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas!" 

I thought that a DJ was just pretending to be Santa but then, he said: "I have a message for Petrina Knight of 918 Gulley Drive." 

I froze. I looked at the radio with shock and confusion when I heard my name and address. 

"How does that guy know me," I thought, slightly nervous, "or can he be...?" 

"Santa?!" 



"Yes Petrina," he replied with a smile in his voice, "it's me, Santa Claus." 

I almost jumped out of my skin when he actually answered but my heart was beating with so much joy. 

"But how can you hear me through the radio?" 

"Ho-ho-ho, I'm Santa," he laughed in a booming voice, "I have my magical ways!" 

"Oh Santa," I exclaimed excitedly, "I have so many questions for you!" 

"I know, my dear, that's why I'm talking to you. Ask away." 

"Can Christmas be canceled?" 

"Well," he said slowly, "Christmas was outlawed a long time ago." 

My heart dropped to my tummy for a second. 

"But," he continued, "they wouldn't do that now. Anybody can celebrate any holiday that they want. What you heard was just a  silly rumor. Even if someone tried to cancel it though, no one could cancel the feeling of Christmas. It's a time of kindness, selflessness, and compassion. No one can take that away."

I was relieved by his words. I then asked: "But will Christmas feel the same without seeing my family and friends face to face? 

"Ah," he replied, "it will be different this year. To keep everyone healthy and safe, they won't able to see you in person but you'll have phones and computers to spend time with each other. All of their spirits will also be with you on Christmas." 

"What do you mean Santa?" 

"The love that you have for them in your heart will make it feel like they're right next to you," he explained, "whether if they'll be an hour away, or a state away, or a country away, or even up in Heaven,  their spirits will be there with you. You never alone because love keeps everyone connected while you have to be apart. Do you understand?"     

"Yeah, I think so." I hugged myself, suddenly feeling comforted and loved. 

I had one question that I was very eager to ask him but I was sort of dreading his answer.  

As if reading my mind, he said: "I am still coming on Christmas Eve." 

I was so happy but I asked: "Will you be safe? COVID-19 is really bad." 

"Ho-ho-ho," he chuckled, "of course! I'll take all of the necessary precautions that night. I'll wear a mask that covers my nose, mouth, and beard. I'll wash my hands. The reindeer will also wear masks and the elves that handle the toys will wear masks and gloves. The only thing that I won't do this year will be eating the cookies that are left out for me."

"Kids always leave out cookies and milk for you!" 

"I know," he replied, "but I'll do anything and everything to bring gifts and most importantly, hope to children. Besides, I really should lay off the sweets." 

"Will the kids see that you didn't eat the cookies or drink the milk and be sad?"

"To avoid any hurt feelings, I'll make the cookies and milk disappear with my magic. Do you have any more questions for me, dear Petrina? Do you want to add something to your wish list? You only had a few things on your list." 

"Can you just give something to my mommy and daddy," I asked softly, "so they'll be happy again?"

"Oh dear one," he said tenderly, "I have something special for them. Don't worry, I know that this year has been difficult for them." 

"Thank you for talking to me Santa," I exclaimed, "I feel so much better!" 

"It was my pleasure, dear one. You've been so good about everything this year! I don't usually do this but..."

My school laptop that I kept next to my boombox turned on for a second. Santa's jolly face appeared on the screen and he quickly winked at me. Then, the laptop abruptly turned back off. All of a sudden, a large, green box with a red ribbon appeared at my feet. 

"You can open one gift early this year," he said. 

I sat on the floor with bright eyes and open the box. It was the Peter Pan costume that I wanted so bad; the green hat with a red feather, the green tunic, a brown, leather belt, a toy dagger, the dark-green tights, and the brown boots. I was ecstatic.

"Oh, thank you, Santa!"

"You're very welcome, my dear Petrina. Ho-ho-ho! Just don't wear it until Christmas, okay?" 

"I won't," I promised. 

"Now," he said cheerfully, "you better get back to bed. It's three A.M. there! Ho-ho-oh my! Tuck yourself in and I'll play all of your favorite Christmas songs until you fall asleep." 

"Okay." 

I crawled into bed and snuggled with my Tinkerbell doll. 

"I love you Santa," I said sweetly. 

"I love you very, very, very much Petrina," he whispered, "Have a merry Christmas." 

Then, he played 'Away in a Manger.'  I smiled contently, as I drifted off to sleep. 

When I woke up later that morning, the regular DJ was talking about the weather before playing 'Jingle Bells.' At first, I thought that I had an incredible dream last night but then seeing the opened gift on my floor, I realized that I really did talk to Santa. I'll never forget our conversation from that night. Mommy and Daddy were still asleep but before I woke them up, I closed my gift from Santa and hid it underneath the Christmas tree in the living room so I could open it in front of them on Christmas morning. 

Two weeks later on Christmas Eve night, I asked Mommy if I could leave out bottled water and a small bottle of hand sanitizer instead of milk and cookies to keep the germs away from Santa. She giggled at this but said okay. I left the two things on a piece of paper that simply read: To: Santa. Love: Petrina. 

The next morning, I ran into the living room. There were dozens of presents underneath the tree. Santa also left a note, where I left the water and sanitizer, reading: Thank you very much, Petrina. Merry Christmas! 

I would always open the first gift but I saw a huge gift for my Mommy and Daddy. I remembered that Santa said that he had something special for them so I decided to give them their gift from Santa first. 

They opened it silently but when they saw what it was, they began crying happily and laughing. It was their old wedding picture. Mommy looked as beautiful as a Disney princess in her flowing, silk, white dress and her blonde hair up in a silver tiara. Daddy looked like her handsome prince in his black and white tuxedo and white gloves. Some moving men lost this picture during a move two years before and Santa found it.

Seeing the picture reminded them how much they loved each other. They hugged each other for the first time in months, holding hands. It felt so good to see them being affectionate towards each other. Then, I opened my Peter Pan costume. I even put it on to model it for them. I also got some baby dolls, an Elsa dress, a remote car, and much more. 

Later, we talked to the rest of our family and friends on the phone or the computer on Zoom. Santa was right. Even though everyone wasn't there in person, it still felt like everybody was in the room with us, as we sat down for Christmas dinner. COVID-19 ruined a lot of things that year but it couldn't touch hope, love, or the magic of Christmas.  




(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2020
 
Music by: Hilary Duff, Christina Milian, Taylor Momsen, and Alan Jackson. 

 Author Notes: Merry Christmas! Don't worry kids, Santa is still coming to town. 
This story is in loving memory of Granny Annie Holdman and Mary Gulley. Heaven has two strong angels now. 
Smooches and think Tink! 
 

Friday, December 4, 2020

I Love You Grandma

 






We'll miss you Granny Annie. We love you...always. 💘💖🤟 Have fun with Uncle Dave!

Smooches and think Tink! 💋

Monday, November 30, 2020

Sunday, November 29, 2020

Just Let Me Vent

 


"A new point of view
A roll on my wheels
I wish you could get inside my head
To feel what I feel, to see what I see
Living as me
'Cause you could've lived my life instead" 

(Based on the song "Instead" by Stacie Orrico)


I'm okay. 😁 I just get frustrated 😠 when no one understands or even attempts to understand my sound and smell sensitivity 🙉👃 due to my cerebral palsy. I'm not being a baby, I'm not being dramatic. The anxiety gets real because of it but again, I'm okay. I'm just blogging instead of screaming my head off, lol 😵. A merry, fun Christmas story is coming soon. 😃🎄🎅 


Smooches and think Tink! 💋 


Monday, November 16, 2020

Not 16 (a random love poem)

 




When I was a young girl,

I thought that love had to be like a fairytale;

As perfect as a beautiful work of art 

so I never truly gave away my heart. 

I just played pretend 

with friendship bracelets, plastic promise rings, and valentines. 

Now, my adolescence since had been long gone, 

I yearn to be completely loved and wanted for my heart and mind. 


I'm not sixteen anymore, 

I want more than a boy holding my hand. 

I need a tight embrace, sweet caresses, entwining bodies, a soulmate; 

Someone fascinating, accepting, and so passionate.   


(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2020 

Music by: EnVogue 

Smooches and think Tink! 💋


Friday, November 6, 2020

I Passed Neurobiology!

 


Let's talk about something happy tonight. I passed my online class yesterday and I'm so proud of myself! My essay was liked by other students and got the passing grade. 

My essay: I have cerebral palsy and people always ask me: "What is cerebral palsy?" They want to learn more about it and I want to give people more of an in-depth answer because it‘s part of my life and I want to teach people about this condition. People should be educated about it.  Like Francis Bacon once said, "Knowledge is power." In this course, I learned the scientific aspects of my condition so I could explain it much better.

Once all the neurons are made and the brain structure is complete, development still is not over because the nervous system has to get the physiology correct. It has to make sure that the right neurons are talking to the right audiences. The general way that the nervous system does this is to make lots and lots of connections and then prune them back. It makes a lot, decides which ones are good, strengthens those and let the weaker and the less useful ones die back. This is called synaptic pruning. 

There are several diseases where a disorder of synaptic pruning does not occur normally and that produces a dysfunction or condition. One is cerebral palsy.  Cerebral palsy or CP is a condition caused by brain damage during development, or during or around the time of birth. The cause might be damage to the motor cortex, the vassal ganglia, or the cerebellum. It depends on the type of CP.

In normal individuals, this same side input starts to die back during development. By the time the child is out of being a toddler, this is now retreated and is no longer. This motoneuron is getting one input instead of two inputs. It started with two but there's a synaptic pruning so now it only listens to one. It only listening to the correct side but in one type called spastic cerebral palsy, which is caused by damage to the motor cortex, what happens is that these motoneurons receive input from neurons in both sides and it never goes away.  

In an adult with cerebral palsy, the motoneurons are getting input from both sides of the cortex. The result is that the circuits down in the spinal cord and even the muscles change their properties and there are enduring permanent changes that occur in motor function. 

 CP affects muscle control in the limbs and other motor skills. There are different degrees in severity and CP is divided into three classifications. Spastic CP is the most common type. Spasticity relates to poor movement of the muscles.

Spastic hemiplegia is when one side of the body is affected. Injury to the muscle-nerves controlled by the left side of the brain will cause a right body defect and vice versa. There are many different brain dysfunctions that can account for the cause for spastic hemiplegia. Spastic hemiplegia occurs either at birth or in the womb. The cause can be all types of strokes, head injuries, hereditary diseases, brain injuries and infections.  Usually, people with spastic hemiplegia can still walk, although they generally have dynamic equinus, a condition that causes limited upward bending in the ankle. To prevent equinus, doctors prescribe ankle-foot orthotic braces.

Spastic diplegia is when the lower extremities affected with little to no upper-body spasticity.  Spastic diplegia's particular type of brain damage inhibits the proper development of upper motor neuron function, impacting the motor cortex, the basal ganglia and the corticospinal tract. This is most common form of spastic CP. Most people with spastic diplegia can walk and have a scissors gait. Flexed knees and hips to certain degrees are common. In three-quarters of people with deiplegia can also have strabismus (crossed eyes) and these individuals are often nearsighted.

Spastic quadriplegia, which  is generally caused by brain damage or disruptions in normal brain development preceding birth, is when all four limbs affected equally. According to the National Institutes of Health, there are four types of brain damage that can cause spastic quadriplegia. These include, damage to the white matter (periventricular leukomalacia), abnormal brain development (cerebral dysgenesis), bleeding in the brain (intracranial hemorrhage), and brain damage due to lack of oxygen (hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy or intrapartum asphyxia). People with spastic quadriplegia are the least likely to be able to walk because their muscles are too tight. Some with quadriplegia also have hemiparetic tremors, an uncontrollable shaking that affects the limbs on one side of the body and impairs typical movements. Speech problems are associated with spasticity as well, along with poor respiratory control and restricted movement in the oral-facial muscles. 

I have spastic quadriplegia. I use a wheelchair, all of my limbs are extremely tight, I have arm tremors, and my speech is very slurred. I was diagnosed when I was a toddler and I've been getting medical assitance, such as medicine, surgeries, and physical therapy. My condition sometimes frustrates me but I don't  let it run my entire life. I have a saying: "There's no such thing as disability, only different ways of  living." Even though my  movements are limited, I'm still able to live life my own way. 

Secondary conditions of CP can include seizures, eating problems, sensory and mental impairments, learning disabilities, and/ or behavior disorders. Although these secondary symptoms are common, not everyone have them. Everyone is different. The most often misconception about people with CP is that they are less intelligent than those born without CP. CP is defined as damage to the part of brain that controls movement, not areas of the brain that controls a person's intelligence. I think that people should learn about all disabilities, including cerebral palsy. People should be open-minded. Knowledge could be closer to cures. 

Resources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spastic_cerebral_palsy 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spastic_diplegia 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spastic_quadriplegia 

https://www.coursera.org/learn/neurobiology/lecture/9OPxx/cerebral-palsy 




Smooches and think Tink!

Thursday, November 5, 2020

In my Mind

 


Where do I go when I lose it 

but it needs to seem like my sanity is still intact? 

Into my mind, 

into the whimsical, macabre world of my own making. 

You won't ever see my tears, manic thoughts, or frustration! 




I'm just writing through some stuff.

Smooches. Trying to think Tink!

F**k You

 


F**k you COVID!

F**k you Donald! 

That's it. 

Just F**K YOU!! 


Don't worry, I'm just venting.

Smooches. Trying to think Tink... 

Monday, October 26, 2020

Just Kill the Drama (a horror Halloween story)


I, Sylvia Fay, was nineteen years old and was in the middle of my first year of college in Columbia, Missouri. I used to love to watch drama channels on Youtube. Drama channels were all about gossiping about whatever was going on in the world of social media influencers, be they Instagram models or YouTubers. Most of these stories were ridiculous, petty, or untrue altogether.  It was like a never-ending, crazy soap opera. Maybe I should've thought about the people that were affected by these rumors but the channels were just entertaining to me and my guilty pleasure. Drama was just part of being on social media.

One drama channel that I always watched was called "Dish at Tiffany's." Twenty-one-year-old Tiffany Vidia was loud, funny, and bubbly but unapologetically nosey and judgmental. She had platinum blonde hair, green eyes, and wore hot pink lipstick. She loved to gossip about anything and anyone. She thought that the people on the internet were just there for her amusement and for her video content. People who she talked about always got severely cyber-bullied afterwards but it was all just a game to her. She was also obsessed with collecting teddy bears. She always filmed her videos in her bedroom that was filled with teddy bears of all sizes and colors. Some thought that this was very strange but I thought that it was sort of endearing. 

One late Friday night in my apartment, I just finished writing a research paper for my literature class. I was now laying in my bed. My boyfriend, Stephen Lee was at work as a manager at Taco Bell and my friends were still doing homework in their dorms. I was bored, scrolling through my Twitter feed on my phone, until I got a notification that Tiffany was doing live stream on Youtube. I clicked on it for some entertainment. I began watching while twirling my long, ginger hair around my right index finger. Tiffany was talking about a silly, obviously bogus story about how Daniel Preda's alleged cheating on Joey Graceffa was the reason why they broke up.

Tiffany was talking enthusiastically when one of teddy bears that was on a shelf suddenly fell down onto her bed. This made her jump and she laughed at herself. I thought nothing of it at first and chuckled too. She put the small, orange teddy bear with blood-red bead eyes up on the shelf and continued talking. After a few more seconds, the bear fell in her lap. 

She giggled and said: "I guess that this one wants some camera time. He is special after all." 

Then, she began to tell how she got the bear. A homely, old woman, who practiced witchcraft, used to live next door to her in Los Angeles. The woman saw Tiffany's videos online and warned her to stop rumor spreading, saying, "Quit spreading negativity and lies or it'll come back to you threefold."    

Tiffany  didn't listen of course but the woman kept telling her to stop. Each morning, the woman was at her door, trying to convince her what she was doing was wrong. Finally, one morning, the woman wasn't there but left the orange teddy bear at her doorstep with a note that read: He wants to take care of you now. I can't control my powers anymore so I had no choice. I'm sorry. 

Tiffany was confused by the note but the woman had moved out over night. She probably shouldn't kept the bear but she thought that it was cute.  

"Maybe he's cursed," she joked, shaking the bear at her web cam, "or haunted, oooo!" She laughed and put the bear back on the shelf. 

The story sounded very weird but I thought that she made it up to creep people out for Halloween. 

"It is October,"  I mused,  "Besides, who would actually keep a teddy bear from a woman who was basically stalking them?" 

Tiffany was talking about how Instagram model, Emily Ratajkowski, allegedly faked a burglary for attention and how Kendall Jenner supposedly exposed her. As I watched Tiffany talk, I thought that my eyes were getting tired and were playing tricks on me because I swore that the bear just climbed down from the shelf on its own behind her. Now, it stared at her with monstrous hatred. 

I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and exclaimed: "What the actual hell?! Am I hallucinating?"  

Then, I watched the bear begin to slowly crawl closer towards her with a sharp blade suddenly poking out from its left paw. 

Unsure what was going on, I quickly typed in the chat box: Anybody else seeing the bear move? Is this a prank?

One typed: Tiffany's just messing with us. Haha, someone's in the Halloween spirit! 

Another typed: Sooo funny Tiff, stop screwing around. Lol!

She wasn't really looking at the chat all the way. She thought that people were commenting on the Emily Ratajkowski story. 

"People do anything for attention these days," said Tiffany, "I wouldn't be surprised if it was true." 

The chat then froze. No one could type, only watch. The bear was now levitating, as its face turned grotesque and deranged. I could also hear diabolical laughter faintly in the background but it seemed like Tiffany didn't hear it. At this point, people didn't know whether to laugh or be completely terrified. She never pranked her fans before and this was quickly going from odd to beyond disturbing by the minute. I didn't want to believe what was seeing. I was desperately looking for strings or a remote in her hand; anything that would tell me that this was all a joke.   

Then, the bear zoomed up out of the frame of the camera. Thinking that she ended the joke, I took a breath and waited for her to say "Gotcha" but she kept on gossiping like nothing was wrong. 

"Let's talk about ruined Youtuber," she rambled on, "Shane Dawson! Oh, he's a total pe---" 

She didn't get the chance to finish. The demented teddy bear all of a sudden dove down in front of her and slit her throat in one, long, swift slash with its blade, blood splattering on the camera lens. Her eyes bulged out with confusion, agony, and fear. I screamed in absolute horror and I tossed my phone on the floor. I rapidly got up from my bed and backed myself against a wall, my stomach wrenching. As blood continued spewing everywhere from her throat and mouth, she was asphyxiating; making an awful gasping, gargling sound. After a few seconds, there was a loud thud then silence. 

Even though I was trembling, crying hysterically, and could barely breathe, I slowly walked towards my phone to pick it up. I was still hoping that this was a prank that went way too far. Picking it back up with shaky hands, I saw that someone or something had wiped away the blood from the lens. I saw that Tiffany was dead, laying on her stomach on the bed in a pool of blood and her open, lifeless eyes fixated on nothing. I also saw most people had left the stream but some were still watching for some reason. 

The murderous bear then popped into the frame with a wide, demonic grin that took over half of its face, showing jagged teeth. In a scratchy, creepy, sing-song voice, it simply said: "No more rumors, no more lies or someone else dies." 

Then, the live stream abruptly ended. Realization made my blood go cold instantly and slightly unhinged my mind. This was no joke. It was a real, intense paranormal experience and a threat. An evil teddy bear killed Tiffany and will kill again when someone spread a rumor or told a lie online.      

I curled up into the fetal position on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably until Stephen found me but I couldn't tell him what happened. All that I could utter was: "No more rumors, no more lies." 

Other people still thought that it was a prank until the Los Angeles police found Tiffany dead in her bedroom, buried underneath her teddy bear collection.

When police tried to watch the live stream, all that they could see a black screen and Tiffany's case remained opened. No one spoke up about what they saw that night, for they were afraid to. There wasn't even anything online about it but after that night, I  deleted all of my social media accounts and never watched Youtube again. I also wouldn't let my loved ones gossip or lie...that ungodly teddy bear wouldn't ever kill anyone who I cared about over stupid rumor spreading and unnecessary drama.  


(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2020 

Happy Halloween! 🎃😈 



    Smooches and think Tink! 

  


Monday, October 12, 2020

October Life Update




Hi,
How is everyone? I'm good 😎😜 .  I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything in a while. My mind has been preoccupied during this crazy, pandemic time. I'm able to get out of my house now but outings are still limited because my state is in the red zone for COVID-19. Shane Dawson is still "canceled" unfortunately but the hate towards him and his fans is finally dying down. I still love and watch him. 💙 I do believe that Shane will come back to the internet; I do, I do! 👏 😀 There was no camp this year (summer or fall), which I'll admit, was a hard pill to swallow 😞 , but I understand that the closure was for our safety. I've been taking an online neuroscience class. Why? To challenge myself. 🤓Neuroscience is the scientific study of the nervous system. It combines physiology, anatomy, and molecular biology. Science and math were my worse subjects back in school, so I decided to study science to prove to myself that I could follow a college level science course. Guess what, I can. Yes, I do struggle sometimes but I always figure it out.  Don't worry, I'm still planning spooky stories for October. They're coming. Be prepared to get scared, mwahahaha! 😈

Happy October! 🎃


Smooches and think Tink! 🧚 



Sunday, July 19, 2020

Happy Birthday Shane!




HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHANE DAWSON! You're so talented, funny, and kind (don't ever forget that). You're my Youtube idol and one of my best friends who I never met. #istandwithshanedawson #HappyBirthdayShane 

Smooches and think Tink! 🎈🧚🏻‍♂️

Saturday, July 18, 2020

Don't Let Youtube Boycott Shane Dawson! #ISTANDWITHSHANEDAWSON




🠉🠉🠉🠉🠉🠉🠉Please support Shane Dawson and sign the petition.

Sometimes, people can change and deserve another chance!

Smooches and think Tink!

Sunday, June 28, 2020

Can the Drama Just STOP? 🤦🏻‍♀️



I know that some of Shane Dawson's jokes and videos have been totally inappropriate in the past. I'll admit that he had crossed the line a lot  (especially when he first started youtube). Blackface and pedophile/rape jokes are wrong. He wasn't always a complete angel throughout his youtube career but over the years, he has grown up and apologized over and over for it. Recently though, his past was put back under the microscope for the umpteenth time because of a scandal with him, Jeffree Star, and James Charles (yes, I blame Jeffree for dragging Shane into it and for not defending Shane). I think that Jeffree used him for subcribers and the palette. It's rumored that Jeffree and Shane tried to ruin James Charles' career but that story is too crazy to explain. As this rumor spread on the internet like the plague, people brought up Shane's past once again and started giving him so much hate. Even his fans, including me, had gotten unnecessary hate for liking him. These aren't just justice warriors, speaking their minds. These are people that use name calling, harassment, and threats to "make their point". I will say this one more time so it's on record: Shane Dawson is not racist, a pedophile, a liar, or manipulative. Even though I agree that some of his old content was wrong, I will always support, watch, and love Shane Dawson. He has owned up to his past and apologized again. Can the daily cyber-bullying stop now? Can the drama just stop? The toxicity is giving me weird nightmares and I'm worried about Shane (and I'm aware that he's a grown man, I just care).

Smooches and please think Tink. 







Thursday, June 18, 2020

Shane Dawson's "The Demon in my House"



Shane Dawson's latest video (above) is so cool. He talks about making his lifelong dream of making a horror movie come true, which I'm so proud of as a fan. Then, he talks about the haunting at his house. The story of his haunting is so fascinating and creepy. Check out the video!  


This painting is part of his haunting. I googled some info on it because it and his story intrigues me. 

The Portrait of Irène Cahen d’Anvers, or The Little Girl with the Blue Ribbon (FrenchLa Petite Fille au ruban bleu) or Little Irène (FrenchLa Petite Irène), is an oil painting by French Impressionist artist Pierre-Auguste Renoir.
Commissioned by the wealthy French Jewish banker Louis Cahen d'Anvers in 1880, the painting depicts his daughter Irène Cahen d'Anvers at the age of 8. During World War II, the painting was stolen by the Nazis during their organized looting of European countries. In 1946 it resurfaced and was exhibited in Paris as one of the "French masterpieces found in Germany".
Irène Cahen d’Anvers (1872–1963), the subject of this painting, was 8 years old at the time of the portrait. The eldest daughter of the wealthy Jewish French banker Count Louis Cahen d'Anvers, she married Count Moïse de Camondo in 1891. They separated in August 1897 after her affair with de Camondo's stable master, Count Charles Sampieri, whom she would later marry and divorce.
Irène had two children with de Camondo, Nissim and Béatrice. During World War I Nissim became a fighter pilot of the French Air Force and was killed in action in 1917 over Lorraine.[5] In 1935, Moïse de Camondo bequeathed his Parisian mansion, at 63 rue de Monceau, including its contents and a major collection of art, to the Musée des Arts Décoratifs to be used to create the Musée Nissim de Camondo in honour of his and Irène's son. During World War II, Béatrice, her ex-husband and their two children were murdered by the Nazis in Auschwitz because of their Jewish ancestry.[6] As her daughter Béatrice's sole inheritor, Irène received the large de Camondo fortune. Irène also had a daughter with Sampieri, Claude, who would marry the French fighter ace and race car driver André Dubonnet. Irène lived until 1963 and died in Paris, aged 91.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portrait_of_Ir%C3%A8ne_Cahen_d%27Anvers

Smooches and think Tink!  

Thursday, June 11, 2020

Friday, June 5, 2020

All Humans Matter ☮


All humans matter regardless of their race, sexual orientation, gender, abilities/limitations, or class. We shouldn't judge anyone without knowing their soul. Don't let history repeat itself over, over, and over again like an endless time loop. Although we need to change this cruel world, we shouldn't use violence as a counteract towards violence or use hatred as a weapon towards hate. We, as humans, need to listen to one another and turn off our tunnel vision...forget our presumptions of each other and give chances and justice equally to everyone. Stop the discrimination. #BLACKLIVESMATTER #EQUALITYFORALL 





Stay safe.

Smooches and think Tink! 

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Happy Birthday Ryland Adams! ❤🧜🏻‍♂️





Happy birthday Ryland! Thank you for being an entertaining youtuber who isn't afraid to be himself, no matter what. Thank you for making our baby boy, Shane Dawson, smile everyday too. Have fun today Ry!  🎁🎈🎂 

Love you.

Smooches and think Tink! 🧚🏻‍♂️🧜🏻‍♂️ 

Dear Frenemies (a poem)

  Dear Frenemies,  I finally forgive you,  But you no longer have power over me.  I broke the strings, I unlocked the chains.  Unlike Wendy ...