Monday, September 26, 2011

Orange and Black



Orange and Black

Spellbinding October is coming, the time of orange and black; time of rolling pumpkins and screeching, mischievous imps. It’s the time for fallen multicolored leaves of all shapes and sizes on the ground crunching underneath your feet and for the darkest nights with the most bizarre shadows, both looking like captivating Autumn paintings. People will ask you with playful smiles rather if you want a trick or a treat, sweets melting on your tongue. The chill of the bitter wind will touch your spine and you’ll get the peculiar urge to dance underneath the moonlight.  

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

I love October, especially Halloween. :)

Monday, September 19, 2011

Love is Everywhere

I drew on this on the computer, inspired by the efforts of the non-profit organization To Write Love On Her Arms. They're dedicated to helping those struggling with addiction, depression, self-injury, and suicide. I fully support this cause. Love is everywhere even in the darkness.  

Shadow Princess's Stylebook from September 2011

Shadow Princess's Stylebook from September 2011

Click the link above to see my A-Z Dress Up avatars

Monday, September 12, 2011

What I Never Told You

What I Never Told You

 2007-2009 (3 years of hell)

I never thought that a random person that I chatted with online would alter my life until I met Daemon Corns from Glasgow, Scotland.  He tried to not only alter it but smash it into pieces. I was his puppet on strings, being controlled by his words. Things weren't always that insane with Daemon. We were quite sweet back in the day. I met him on, a writing site in 2007.  We chatted daily for hours, sharing stories and poetry, and it was a blast. He had an alluring Scottish accent and seemed so captivating, passionate, funny, and romantic. I'll never forget that summer  night when he first instant messaged me and turned on his cam, then seeing his charming smile and jungle green eyes. Even though he was only seventeen and I was twenty when we first met, the undeniable attraction was there. He was already promised me that he would be my best friend forever and that he would never hurt me. Everything seemed so perfect. I was instantly hooked on him. We were so innocent and child-like back then.

A year had passed and he was now eighteen. I was ready to tell him about my feelings. I wrote him a love poem called My Escape and posted it on StoryWrite:

“You’re my escape; my friend when life is too much to take. Even though we haven’t talked face to face, it feels like I know you, for you are so kind and true. We make a connection from miles away, We bond in a different place and time; always on each other’s minds. Will we ever meet? Will I ever see you smile at me? I have no idea, the future is the thing that I can’t foresee. But I want our friendship to stay;  to never change, come what may.”

It took him a while to realize that it was about him, but he finally got it and he told me that he felt the same. I was on cloud nine. I thought that he truly loved me. While being his “online girlfriend“, he said that he would be with me for the rest of his life. Blindly, I was in awe. A guy never said such things to me before. Things were no longer child-like between us but all of my sense went out of the window. He acted like we were in a real, adult relationship and we even made a promise to meet and marry someday. I loved the rush that he gave me. In my mind, I saw a small, quaint, green colored house that would look like a dollhouse that I had as a kid, sitting on a hill and Daemon and I starting a life together in it. Then, before I knew what was coming or realize what mistake I was making, my fairy tale quickly turned into a nightmare.

It was a chilly October and I had went out of the town for a Halloween weekend at Lazy Dayz Camp. When I got home, I was ready to tell my so-called “loving boyfriend” about all of the fun things that I did but I noticed that something was wrong. His replies came too slow and he seemed distracted and indifferent. “What wrong?” I typed, being weary of his answer. His reply was quick this time and he abruptly confessed. He had cheated on me by kissing another girl and then more swiftly than I could blink, he broke up with me, which broke my heart beyond belief.  He didn’t even bother to say sorry. He just got offline. “He can’t,” I thought desperately, “Why?” I fell out of my desk chair and onto the floor. I cried myself to sleep until my throat was sore and somehow got a high fever. I told myself to block him but I didn’t. I was usually a smart woman. Normally, I wouldn’t  a boy get to me but something held me back. We got “back together” a few months later. We broke up and got back together six times. There was always another girl in the picture but I thought that I was in love and I didn't care about the extreme pain that his lies put me through or if he was just using me. I kept coming back and waited around online like a sick puppy.

By the time he was nineteen, he had changed and not in a good way. he was lying more, becoming so aloof and cold and he was a careless womanizer as well. He would sometimes get online just to start an argument, saying that I was annoying, a crazy witch, nothing but his dumb lass. He would also send me graphic, sleazy  pictures of him with other girls. Lies and hurtful words are like computer viruses. They rapidly spread and infecting everything in your heart and mind, making you malfunction until your whole system completely shuts down.  My self-esteem was slowly fading and I didn’t know what to do.

Like a fool, I wanted him back again after a sixth time of breaking up so one Friday night in May in 2009, I poured out my heart and soul to him but this time he finally rejected and dropped me like a bad habit. The loving Daemon who I fell for was nothing but a memory now. He abandoned his promises to me and he lost his pleasant spirit for good. His rejection finally made me come back to reality, made me see the light. I bawled so hard that night but I knew that I was going to be okay. I knew now that I didn't need him to survive. I would raise above this and pick myself from the ground. It hurt like hell but I just saved myself by hitting Delete.

Summer 2010 (a year later)

After Daemon, I stupidly “online dated” other losers like him and it always ended the same; me crying on the floor like an idiot. Then I soon came to the conclusion that the only men that I could trust were my dad, brother-in-law, and my uncles. Well…that was before I met my friend Maxwell. I met him at Lazy Dayz Camp one hot July week. He was a new volunteer at the time. I first saw him in the noisy, crowded dinning hall from a distance and I didn‘t know why but I kept staring at him. I didn’t get to talk to him though until the pool party that night. He was walking by when he saw me sitting on the side of the pool. He stopped mid-step and walked over to me. I tried not to blush.

Maxwell was like a ray of sunshine from the first hello. He kept me smiling. He was so funny. He would say, and believe it or not, sing anything just to get a laugh. His mischievous and boyish but warm smile and twinkling eyes gave me butterflies in my stomach and it was hard not to get giddy. I loved how he talked to me, being so understanding and accepting. He listened to me and I felt safe with him. I could tell him anything. As the week went on, I could that he was also compassionate with others. I saw him with other people and I could tell that he truly cared.

Later that week, Maxwell and I were at the camp dance. As the bright lights were spinning and the music was booming throughout the hall, he was twirling me ’round and ’round. It made me dizzy; faces, shapes, and colors blurring together but I loved it. It felt as though I was flying. I laughed and happily squealed until my throat was raw. In the middle of the dance floor, we then made a pact to be best friends forever and this time it was true.

Now, I was chatting online and sending letters to a friend who really could be trusted. It was as though I knew Maxwell all my life. No, we weren’t romantically involved like I secretly thought would’ve been amazing.  We were just close friends but I was so happy that he was in my life. I learned that sometimes I only needed to surround myself with people who are real and who honestly care about me. What I never told Maxwell is simple and from the bottom of my heart…Thank you for being a friend. I’m truly grateful to have you.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

This is loosely based off true events but this story is fictional. I wanted to show that cyber bullying can easily turn serious if you let it and that real friendship is out there.

Friday, September 9, 2011

God Is...

*In memory of 9/11*

God is the whisper of comfort in your ear,
God is always there.
God is the friend to talk to
when you feel alone.
God cries with you,
He understands your pain.
Don’t give up,
Everyone is safe with Him.

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

Always remember...

Thursday, September 8, 2011

An Update


How are you all? I've been busy. I've started another psychology class online. It's interesting. I also submitted a horror story to a magazine called Dark Moon Digest. I'll know within 90 days if they'll publish it or not (keep your fingers crossed). I'm planning to start writing "the Impairy Story: Part 3" soon as well. I'm getting ideas. I'm going to Wonderland on September 30th for the fall weekend. I can't wait! Well, gotta roll. See you all later! Love you. 

Like A Teddy Bear

Like A Teddy Bear

Even though I’m loosening my grip on you for the both of us to find out what’s out there in the world, I’ll still love you like crazy. I’ll smile sincerely as I watch you change but I’ll always see the adorable Peter Pan-like joy in your eyes. I won’t cry as you say goodbye. I do want you to be happy. Even though I release you, my heart will always secretly cuddle you like a teddy bear. 

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

I was listening to love songs and thinking about one of my best friends when I wrote this. I was in a sappy mood. :)