Orange and Black

 

 

Orange and Black

Spellbinding October is coming, the time of orange and black; time of rolling pumpkins and screeching, mischievous imps. It’s the time for fallen multicolored leaves of all shapes and sizes on the ground crunching underneath your feet and for the darkest nights with the most bizarre shadows, both looking like captivating Autumn paintings. People will ask you with playful smiles rather if you want a trick or a treat, sweets melting on your tongue. The chill of the bitter wind will touch your spine and you’ll get the peculiar urge to dance underneath the moonlight.  

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

I love October, especially Halloween. :)

Love is Everywhere

 

I drew on this on the computer, inspired by the efforts of the non-profit organization To Write Love On Her Arms. They're dedicated to helping those struggling with addiction, depression, self-injury, and suicide. I fully support this cause. Love is everywhere even in the darkness.  

Shadow Princess's Stylebook from September 2011

Shadow Princess's Stylebook from September 2011

Click the link above to see my A-Z Dress Up avatars

What I Never Told You

What I Never Told You



 2007-2009 (3 years of hell)

I never thought that a random person that I chatted with online would alter my life until I met Daemon Corns from Glasgow, Scotland.  He tried to not only alter it but smash it into pieces. I was his puppet on strings, being controlled by his words. Things weren't always that insane with Daemon. We were quite sweet back in the day. I met him on StoryWrite.com, a writing site in 2007.  We chatted daily for hours, sharing stories and poetry, and it was a blast. He had an alluring Scottish accent and seemed so captivating, passionate, funny, and romantic. I'll never forget that summer  night when he first instant messaged me and turned on his cam, then seeing his charming smile and jungle green eyes. Even though he was only seventeen and I was twenty when we first met, the undeniable attraction was there. He was already promised me that he would be my best friend forever and that he would never hurt me. Everything seemed so perfect. I was instantly hooked on him. We were so innocent and child-like back then.

A year had passed and he was now eighteen. I was ready to tell him about my feelings. I wrote him a love poem called My Escape and posted it on StoryWrite:


“You’re my escape; my friend when life is too much to take. Even though we haven’t talked face to face, it feels like I know you, for you are so kind and true. We make a connection from miles away, We bond in a different place and time; always on each other’s minds. Will we ever meet? Will I ever see you smile at me? I have no idea, the future is the thing that I can’t foresee. But I want our friendship to stay;  to never change, come what may.”

It took him a while to realize that it was about him, but he finally got it and he told me that he felt the same. I was on cloud nine. I thought that he truly loved me. While being his “online girlfriend“, he said that he would be with me for the rest of his life. Blindly, I was in awe. A guy never said such things to me before. Things were no longer child-like between us but all of my sense went out of the window. He acted like we were in a real, adult relationship and we even made a promise to meet and marry someday. I loved the rush that he gave me. In my mind, I saw a small, quaint, green colored house that would look like a dollhouse that I had as a kid, sitting on a hill and Daemon and I starting a life together in it. Then, before I knew what was coming or realize what mistake I was making, my fairy tale quickly turned into a nightmare.

It was a chilly October and I had went out of the town for a Halloween weekend at Lazy Dayz Camp. When I got home, I was ready to tell my so-called “loving boyfriend” about all of the fun things that I did but I noticed that something was wrong. His replies came too slow and he seemed distracted and indifferent. “What wrong?” I typed, being weary of his answer. His reply was quick this time and he abruptly confessed. He had cheated on me by kissing another girl and then more swiftly than I could blink, he broke up with me, which broke my heart beyond belief.  He didn’t even bother to say sorry. He just got offline. “He can’t,” I thought desperately, “Why?” I fell out of my desk chair and onto the floor. I cried myself to sleep until my throat was sore and somehow got a high fever. I told myself to block him but I didn’t. I was usually a smart woman. Normally, I wouldn’t  a boy get to me but something held me back. We got “back together” a few months later. We broke up and got back together six times. There was always another girl in the picture but I thought that I was in love and I didn't care about the extreme pain that his lies put me through or if he was just using me. I kept coming back and waited around online like a sick puppy.

By the time he was nineteen, he had changed and not in a good way. he was lying more, becoming so aloof and cold and he was a careless womanizer as well. He would sometimes get online just to start an argument, saying that I was annoying, a crazy witch, nothing but his dumb lass. He would also send me graphic, sleazy  pictures of him with other girls. Lies and hurtful words are like computer viruses. They rapidly spread and infecting everything in your heart and mind, making you malfunction until your whole system completely shuts down.  My self-esteem was slowly fading and I didn’t know what to do.

Like a fool, I wanted him back again after a sixth time of breaking up so one Friday night in May in 2009, I poured out my heart and soul to him but this time he finally rejected and dropped me like a bad habit. The loving Daemon who I fell for was nothing but a memory now. He abandoned his promises to me and he lost his pleasant spirit for good. His rejection finally made me come back to reality, made me see the light. I bawled so hard that night but I knew that I was going to be okay. I knew now that I didn't need him to survive. I would raise above this and pick myself from the ground. It hurt like hell but I just saved myself by hitting Delete.

Summer 2010 (a year later)

After Daemon, I stupidly “online dated” other losers like him and it always ended the same; me crying on the floor like an idiot. Then I soon came to the conclusion that the only men that I could trust were my dad, brother-in-law, and my uncles. Well…that was before I met my friend Maxwell. I met him at Lazy Dayz Camp one hot July week. He was a new volunteer at the time. I first saw him in the noisy, crowded dinning hall from a distance and I didn‘t know why but I kept staring at him. I didn’t get to talk to him though until the pool party that night. He was walking by when he saw me sitting on the side of the pool. He stopped mid-step and walked over to me. I tried not to blush.

Maxwell was like a ray of sunshine from the first hello. He kept me smiling. He was so funny. He would say, and believe it or not, sing anything just to get a laugh. His mischievous and boyish but warm smile and twinkling eyes gave me butterflies in my stomach and it was hard not to get giddy. I loved how he talked to me, being so understanding and accepting. He listened to me and I felt safe with him. I could tell him anything. As the week went on, I could that he was also compassionate with others. I saw him with other people and I could tell that he truly cared.

Later that week, Maxwell and I were at the camp dance. As the bright lights were spinning and the music was booming throughout the hall, he was twirling me ’round and ’round. It made me dizzy; faces, shapes, and colors blurring together but I loved it. It felt as though I was flying. I laughed and happily squealed until my throat was raw. In the middle of the dance floor, we then made a pact to be best friends forever and this time it was true.

Now, I was chatting online and sending letters to a friend who really could be trusted. It was as though I knew Maxwell all my life. No, we weren’t romantically involved like I secretly thought would’ve been amazing.  We were just close friends but I was so happy that he was in my life. I learned that sometimes I only needed to surround myself with people who are real and who honestly care about me. What I never told Maxwell is simple and from the bottom of my heart…Thank you for being a friend. I’m truly grateful to have you.


(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011


This is loosely based off true events but this story is fictional. I wanted to show that cyber bullying can easily turn serious if you let it and that real friendship is out there.

God Is...

*In memory of 9/11*

God is the whisper of comfort in your ear,
God is always there.
God is the friend to talk to
when you feel alone.
God cries with you,
He understands your pain.
Don’t give up,
Everyone is safe with Him.


(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

Always remember...

An Update

Hi, 


How are you all? I've been busy. I've started another psychology class online. It's interesting. I also submitted a horror story to a magazine called Dark Moon Digest. I'll know within 90 days if they'll publish it or not (keep your fingers crossed). I'm planning to start writing "the Impairy Story: Part 3" soon as well. I'm getting ideas. I'm going to Wonderland on September 30th for the fall weekend. I can't wait! Well, gotta roll. See you all later! Love you. 

Like A Teddy Bear

Like A Teddy Bear

Even though I’m loosening my grip on you for the both of us to find out what’s out there in the world, I’ll still love you like crazy. I’ll smile sincerely as I watch you change but I’ll always see the adorable Peter Pan-like joy in your eyes. I won’t cry as you say goodbye. I do want you to be happy. Even though I release you, my heart will always secretly cuddle you like a teddy bear. 

(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011 

I was listening to love songs and thinking about one of my best friends when I wrote this. I was in a sappy mood. :) 

Jefferson County, MO's Urban Legends

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading ghost stories online and I started to wonder if there were any scary stories/legends in my town like Tennessee has the legend of the Bell Witch. I began to do some research. Here's what I found.  These stories make Jefferson County seem more interesting.


Arnold Cemetery: Even though there is very little history on this place, people claim that there is paranormal activity going here like shadowy figures and cold spots.

Wehrenberge Arnold 14 Cine: Ever since the theater was built, people have claimed that there is an evil presence there. During a movie, there was reportedly a bone-chilling wind hitting people out of nowhere. People also say that they can sometimes feel an unseen thing touching them all over. Clean-up workers at midnight claim as well that they've seen shadows and ghostly figures in the hallways, and reflections of bloody and disfigured people in the bathroom mirrors. (Remind me not to go into the bathrooms again).

Festus Middle School: During a performance of "Peter Pan" in the school's gym, a boy was accidentally hung and killed. Now it is said that his ghost haunts the gym. Students claimed that they went into the gym while it was dark and made contact with the boy. They also said that a shadow figure ran at and pushed a student against the wall and that there was tapping sound on the walls to the rhythm of a Peter Pan song. (Extremely creepy).   



Resources: 
http://theshadowlands.net/places/missouri.htm 


http://www.missouriscenicrivers.com/hauntedjeffco.html 


http://www.strangeusa.com/Viewlocation.aspx?id=5881

Drip, Drip

Drip, drip goes your blood off of my lip,
as I get a taste on my tongue and you scream in pain.
Drip, drip goes the rain out in the cold night,
as I tie you tightly up.
You beg me not to kill you,
but I have to,
You have to feel my hurt!

You’re a liar, a coward, a murderer!
You act like you have a tender heart with a passionate beat,
but your heart is painted black!
You plea with me to have some mercy,
Why should I?

I still remember that terrifying night like it’s yesterday.
You said that our love was meant to be,
that I was all you needed,
but it was a trick.
As I followed you into the dark alley,
you grabbed and drugged me,
dragging me to a palace of evilness.


When I woke up,
you were selling me to a vampire,
like I was some piece of meat, like some slave in need of a new master.
The vampire gave you the money and you were shaking his hand.
With my mind spinning in confusion,
All that I could do is scream.
Then the vampire with luscious, hellish red hair held me down in his big arms
and his fangs sank painfully into my neck,
sucking, sucking, sucking,
as I was hopelessly shrieking, praying, fighting, dying!
You were there watching him,
obviously regretful but doing nothing.
Why did you pick me to be his victim?

Now I’m this horrific vampiress, this lifeless monster!
Tonight it’s your turn to feel the agony and fear.
I could give you this curse and let you live,
but all that you’ll do is find another girl and deceive her;
So I straddle in your lap and push you back,
exposing your throat and neck.
With you screaming in horror,
I bite into your flesh,
going deeper and deeper,
tearing into you.
Slurp, slurp go my lips,
as you slowly swift towards death.
Drip, drip goes the rain out in the cold night,
as your body is tortured and drained.
Drip, drip, dip!


(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2011

 A vampire poem :)

2011 Walk Now For Autism Speaks

Please support my cousin Logan Holdman at the 2011 walk for Autism Speaks at Forest Park on October 15th. The walk raises money for Autism research and awareness. The event is for all of the family but you can't make it, please donate on his page. http://www.walknowforautismspeaks.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=463366&supid=298447087 . Thank you.

Wonderland Camp August 2011

 

Last week I went to Wonderland Camp and it was awesome! I saw my old friends: Kortney, JJ, Hope, Colleen, Dustin, Lois, Alena, Esther, Toby, Sam, and Tripp. I also made new friends: Ann, Tesha, Michelle, Nick, and Scott. It felt good to be at my second home and see friendly faces. On Sunday, we had karaoke night. Everyone was singing, dancing, and laughing. I sang “Right Here (Departed)” by Brandy. Then I hung out with Dustin and Tripp. It was a very good evening.

On Monday morning, we had Crafts, Music, and Rec. For Crafts, we tie-dyed our shirts. I was so excited because they had black dye for once. I dyed my shirt all black with spiral designs. For Music, we sang all of the camp songs. Esther then read aloud a couple of chapters from a “Babysitters Club” book to us.  For Rec, we played board games in the dinning hall. I played checkers with Tesha and I was sort of relearning the rules as we were playing. I lost but it was fun. In the afternoon, my cabin stayed in and watched a movie. We watched “Alice In Wonderland”, which I love. It was nice just to relax. Then, in the evening, we went swimming for a while. I swam with Nick. He was so silly. We bounced and twirled around the pool. After swimming, it was camp movie night and we watched “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. It put me and the other counselors in a Christmas mood. I caught myself singing Christmas carols by the end of the night.

On Tuesday morning, we went to the waterfront and rode the boat. With the slow waves in the water and the warm sun on my face, the boat ride was so soothing that I fell asleep again. Then after waterfront, we took showers and watched the movie “the Phantom of the Opera”. We loved, loved, loved that movie. We played and sang the soundtrack for the rest of the week.  In the afternoon, we had Nature and game room. In Nature, we played bingo and it was fun. Apparently Esther was both Music and Nature director because Dustin became a cabin leader that week and Joe, as most know, is away at army boot camp right now. When Esther gave me my bingo card, I noticed that they were the same cards that Joe used when he was Nature director back in June. I saw his recognizable handwriting and slightly misspelled words and I have to admit, this made me smile. Then we went to the game room. I played on the jukebox and a computer game until lunchtime. In the evening, we went swimming again. I swam and hung out with Nick and Hope. They were funny together. It was a great day.

On Wednesday morning, we had Crafts, Music, and Rec. For Crafts, we got to color and decorate blank booklets. I decorated mine in a Peter Pan theme. I always get in touch with my inner child while at camp. It was very amusing. For Music, we practiced for the talent show and then read some more of “the Babysitters Club”. For Rec, we hung out on the playground and talked. After lunchtime, while my other cabin mates did nothing for three whole hours, I talked Kortney and JJ into sitting in the dark bathroom to tell ghost stories and to play the game, Bloody Mary. It’s a game where you have to spin in circles in front of a mirror and chant, “Bloody Mary” a hundred times to see if her ghostly face appears in the mirror. We were scaring each other and giggling into our hands. Then in late afternoon, we had the camp carnival. The games were cool, everyone got prizes no matter what, and we had snow cones.  I got a banana flavored one. In the evening, the talent show then started. For our group talent, my cabin did a skit. Tesha was the coach and we were football players. We had black lines on our faces and with the song “the Eye of the Tiger” playing, we ran through a paper banner as Tesha introduced us. We then huddled together and did a cheer. For my individual talent, I read a poem that I wrote called “Ghosts in the Woods”. I notice that I’m less nervous when I read aloud now. People liked it a lot. The talent show was entertaining with good songs and interesting talents. Kortney even sang Taylor Swift’s “Teardrops on my Guitar” by herself and I was so proud of her. It was a enjoyable evening.

On Thursday, Kortney, Ann, JJ, and I hung out in the game room all morning. Kortney and I were chasing Scott around the room. It was so hilarious. We had him against the wall for a moment and we were laughing so hard. In the afternoon, we had beauty shop in our cabin. Michelle did our make-up and hair and another counselor named Sarah did nails. After dinner, the dance began. I wore a white and black, spaghetti strapped top, my favorite skinny jeans, my black Chinese Mary Janes, my dangling, silver earrings, my big, purple ring that glowed in the dark, and my favorite black wristband. My hair was also spiked. The dinning hall with balloons and green, polka dot looking lights everywhere was quickly filled with people dancing. People were constantly taking pictures and singing at the top of their lungs as well. Loud music and dancing make me happy. I danced all night with friends and on my own at times. The night was absolutely amazing.

On Friday morning, we had awards. I got the Best Writer Award because I liked to write poetry and stories. We also got to watch the camp video and there were actually a lot of pictures of me with my eyes open for a change. After the awards, we basically just signed shirts and hung out until our rides got there. Even though I hated leaving my friends again, I know that I’ll be back soon. It’s not really goodbye. I’ll have even more friends and memories to remember and write about.