Tuesday, December 29, 2020
Ramblings of a Cult Leader (a poem)
Sunday, December 20, 2020
A Message from Santa (a Christmas story)
Friday, December 4, 2020
I Love You Grandma
Monday, November 30, 2020
Sunday, November 29, 2020
Just Let Me Vent
A roll on my wheels
I wish you could get inside my head
To feel what I feel, to see what I see
Living as me
'Cause you could've lived my life instead"
I'm okay. 😁 I just get frustrated 😠 when no one understands or even attempts to understand my sound and smell sensitivity 🙉👃 due to my cerebral palsy. I'm not being a baby, I'm not being dramatic. The anxiety gets real because of it but again, I'm okay. I'm just blogging instead of screaming my head off, lol 😵. A merry, fun Christmas story is coming soon. 😃🎄🎅
Monday, November 16, 2020
Not 16 (a random love poem)
When I was a young girl,
I thought that love had to be like a fairytale;
As perfect as a beautiful work of art
so I never truly gave away my heart.
I just played pretend
with friendship bracelets, plastic promise rings, and valentines.
Now, my adolescence since had been long gone,
I yearn to be completely loved and wanted for my heart and mind.
I'm not sixteen anymore,
I want more than a boy holding my hand.
I need a tight embrace, sweet caresses, entwining bodies, a soulmate;
Someone fascinating, accepting, and so passionate.
(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2020
Music by: EnVogue
Smooches and think Tink! 💋
Friday, November 6, 2020
I Passed Neurobiology!
Let's talk about something happy tonight. I passed my online class yesterday and I'm so proud of myself! My essay was liked by other students and got the passing grade.
My essay: I have cerebral palsy and people always ask me: "What is cerebral palsy?" They want to learn more about it and I want to give people more of an in-depth answer because it‘s part of my life and I want to teach people about this condition. People should be educated about it. Like Francis Bacon once said, "Knowledge is power." In this course, I learned the scientific aspects of my condition so I could explain it much better.
Once all the neurons are made and the brain structure is complete, development still is not over because the nervous system has to get the physiology correct. It has to make sure that the right neurons are talking to the right audiences. The general way that the nervous system does this is to make lots and lots of connections and then prune them back. It makes a lot, decides which ones are good, strengthens those and let the weaker and the less useful ones die back. This is called synaptic pruning.
There are several diseases where a disorder of synaptic pruning does not occur normally and that produces a dysfunction or condition. One is cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy or CP is a condition caused by brain damage during development, or during or around the time of birth. The cause might be damage to the motor cortex, the vassal ganglia, or the cerebellum. It depends on the type of CP.
In normal individuals, this same side input starts to die back during development. By the time the child is out of being a toddler, this is now retreated and is no longer. This motoneuron is getting one input instead of two inputs. It started with two but there's a synaptic pruning so now it only listens to one. It only listening to the correct side but in one type called spastic cerebral palsy, which is caused by damage to the motor cortex, what happens is that these motoneurons receive input from neurons in both sides and it never goes away.
In an adult with cerebral palsy, the motoneurons are getting input from both sides of the cortex. The result is that the circuits down in the spinal cord and even the muscles change their properties and there are enduring permanent changes that occur in motor function.
CP affects muscle control in the limbs and other motor skills. There are different degrees in severity and CP is divided into three classifications. Spastic CP is the most common type. Spasticity relates to poor movement of the muscles.
Spastic hemiplegia is when one side of the body is affected. Injury to the muscle-nerves controlled by the left side of the brain will cause a right body defect and vice versa. There are many different brain dysfunctions that can account for the cause for spastic hemiplegia. Spastic hemiplegia occurs either at birth or in the womb. The cause can be all types of strokes, head injuries, hereditary diseases, brain injuries and infections. Usually, people with spastic hemiplegia can still walk, although they generally have dynamic equinus, a condition that causes limited upward bending in the ankle. To prevent equinus, doctors prescribe ankle-foot orthotic braces.
Spastic diplegia is when the lower extremities affected with little to no upper-body spasticity. Spastic diplegia's particular type of brain damage inhibits the proper development of upper motor neuron function, impacting the motor cortex, the basal ganglia and the corticospinal tract. This is most common form of spastic CP. Most people with spastic diplegia can walk and have a scissors gait. Flexed knees and hips to certain degrees are common. In three-quarters of people with deiplegia can also have strabismus (crossed eyes) and these individuals are often nearsighted.
Spastic quadriplegia, which is generally caused by brain damage or disruptions in normal brain development preceding birth, is when all four limbs affected equally. According to the National Institutes of Health, there are four types of brain damage that can cause spastic quadriplegia. These include, damage to the white matter (periventricular leukomalacia), abnormal brain development (cerebral dysgenesis), bleeding in the brain (intracranial hemorrhage), and brain damage due to lack of oxygen (hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy or intrapartum asphyxia). People with spastic quadriplegia are the least likely to be able to walk because their muscles are too tight. Some with quadriplegia also have hemiparetic tremors, an uncontrollable shaking that affects the limbs on one side of the body and impairs typical movements. Speech problems are associated with spasticity as well, along with poor respiratory control and restricted movement in the oral-facial muscles.
I have spastic quadriplegia. I use a wheelchair, all of my limbs are extremely tight, I have arm tremors, and my speech is very slurred. I was diagnosed when I was a toddler and I've been getting medical assitance, such as medicine, surgeries, and physical therapy. My condition sometimes frustrates me but I don't let it run my entire life. I have a saying: "There's no such thing as disability, only different ways of living." Even though my movements are limited, I'm still able to live life my own way.
Secondary conditions of CP can include seizures, eating problems, sensory and mental impairments, learning disabilities, and/ or behavior disorders. Although these secondary symptoms are common, not everyone have them. Everyone is different. The most often misconception about people with CP is that they are less intelligent than those born without CP. CP is defined as damage to the part of brain that controls movement, not areas of the brain that controls a person's intelligence. I think that people should learn about all disabilities, including cerebral palsy. People should be open-minded. Knowledge could be closer to cures.
Resources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spastic_cerebral_palsy
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spastic_diplegia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spastic_quadriplegia
https://www.coursera.org/learn/neurobiology/lecture/9OPxx/cerebral-palsy
Smooches and think Tink!
Thursday, November 5, 2020
In my Mind
Where do I go when I lose it
but it needs to seem like my sanity is still intact?
Into my mind,
into the whimsical, macabre world of my own making.
You won't ever see my tears, manic thoughts, or frustration!
I'm just writing through some stuff.
F**k You
F**k you COVID!
F**k you Donald!
That's it.
Just F**K YOU!!
Don't worry, I'm just venting.
Monday, October 26, 2020
Just Kill the Drama (a horror Halloween story)
I, Sylvia Fay, was nineteen years old and was in the middle of my first year of college in Columbia, Missouri. I used to love to watch drama channels on Youtube. Drama channels were all about gossiping about whatever was going on in the world of social media influencers, be they Instagram models or YouTubers. Most of these stories were ridiculous, petty, or untrue altogether. It was like a never-ending, crazy soap opera. Maybe I should've thought about the people that were affected by these rumors but the channels were just entertaining to me and my guilty pleasure. Drama was just part of being on social media.
One drama channel that I always watched was called "Dish at Tiffany's." Twenty-one-year-old Tiffany Vidia was loud, funny, and bubbly but unapologetically nosey and judgmental. She had platinum blonde hair, green eyes, and wore hot pink lipstick. She loved to gossip about anything and anyone. She thought that the people on the internet were just there for her amusement and for her video content. People who she talked about always got severely cyber-bullied afterwards but it was all just a game to her. She was also obsessed with collecting teddy bears. She always filmed her videos in her bedroom that was filled with teddy bears of all sizes and colors. Some thought that this was very strange but I thought that it was sort of endearing.
One late Friday night in my apartment, I just finished writing a research paper for my literature class. I was now laying in my bed. My boyfriend, Stephen Lee was at work as a manager at Taco Bell and my friends were still doing homework in their dorms. I was bored, scrolling through my Twitter feed on my phone, until I got a notification that Tiffany was doing live stream on Youtube. I clicked on it for some entertainment. I began watching while twirling my long, ginger hair around my right index finger. Tiffany was talking about a silly, obviously bogus story about how Daniel Preda's alleged cheating on Joey Graceffa was the reason why they broke up.
Tiffany was talking enthusiastically when one of teddy bears that was on a shelf suddenly fell down onto her bed. This made her jump and she laughed at herself. I thought nothing of it at first and chuckled too. She put the small, orange teddy bear with blood-red bead eyes up on the shelf and continued talking. After a few more seconds, the bear fell in her lap.
She giggled and said: "I guess that this one wants some camera time. He is special after all."
Then, she began to tell how she got the bear. A homely, old woman, who practiced witchcraft, used to live next door to her in Los Angeles. The woman saw Tiffany's videos online and warned her to stop rumor spreading, saying, "Quit spreading negativity and lies or it'll come back to you threefold."
Tiffany didn't listen of course but the woman kept telling her to stop. Each morning, the woman was at her door, trying to convince her what she was doing was wrong. Finally, one morning, the woman wasn't there but left the orange teddy bear at her doorstep with a note that read: He wants to take care of you now. I can't control my powers anymore so I had no choice. I'm sorry.
Tiffany was confused by the note but the woman had moved out over night. She probably shouldn't kept the bear but she thought that it was cute.
"Maybe he's cursed," she joked, shaking the bear at her web cam, "or haunted, oooo!" She laughed and put the bear back on the shelf.
The story sounded very weird but I thought that she made it up to creep people out for Halloween.
"It is October," I mused, "Besides, who would actually keep a teddy bear from a woman who was basically stalking them?"
Tiffany was talking about how Instagram model, Emily Ratajkowski, allegedly faked a burglary for attention and how Kendall Jenner supposedly exposed her. As I watched Tiffany talk, I thought that my eyes were getting tired and were playing tricks on me because I swore that the bear just climbed down from the shelf on its own behind her. Now, it stared at her with monstrous hatred.
I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and exclaimed: "What the actual hell?! Am I hallucinating?"
Then, I watched the bear begin to slowly crawl closer towards her with a sharp blade suddenly poking out from its left paw.
Unsure what was going on, I quickly typed in the chat box: Anybody else seeing the bear move? Is this a prank?
One typed: Tiffany's just messing with us. Haha, someone's in the Halloween spirit!
Another typed: Sooo funny Tiff, stop screwing around. Lol!
She wasn't really looking at the chat all the way. She thought that people were commenting on the Emily Ratajkowski story.
"People do anything for attention these days," said Tiffany, "I wouldn't be surprised if it was true."
The chat then froze. No one could type, only watch. The bear was now levitating, as its face turned grotesque and deranged. I could also hear diabolical laughter faintly in the background but it seemed like Tiffany didn't hear it. At this point, people didn't know whether to laugh or be completely terrified. She never pranked her fans before and this was quickly going from odd to beyond disturbing by the minute. I didn't want to believe what was seeing. I was desperately looking for strings or a remote in her hand; anything that would tell me that this was all a joke.
Then, the bear zoomed up out of the frame of the camera. Thinking that she ended the joke, I took a breath and waited for her to say "Gotcha" but she kept on gossiping like nothing was wrong.
"Let's talk about ruined Youtuber," she rambled on, "Shane Dawson! Oh, he's a total pe---"
She didn't get the chance to finish. The demented teddy bear all of a sudden dove down in front of her and slit her throat in one, long, swift slash with its blade, blood splattering on the camera lens. Her eyes bulged out with confusion, agony, and fear. I screamed in absolute horror and I tossed my phone on the floor. I rapidly got up from my bed and backed myself against a wall, my stomach wrenching. As blood continued spewing everywhere from her throat and mouth, she was asphyxiating; making an awful gasping, gargling sound. After a few seconds, there was a loud thud then silence.
Even though I was trembling, crying hysterically, and could barely breathe, I slowly walked towards my phone to pick it up. I was still hoping that this was a prank that went way too far. Picking it back up with shaky hands, I saw that someone or something had wiped away the blood from the lens. I saw that Tiffany was dead, laying on her stomach on the bed in a pool of blood and her open, lifeless eyes fixated on nothing. I also saw most people had left the stream but some were still watching for some reason.
The murderous bear then popped into the frame with a wide, demonic grin that took over half of its face, showing jagged teeth. In a scratchy, creepy, sing-song voice, it simply said: "No more rumors, no more lies or someone else dies."
Then, the live stream abruptly ended. Realization made my blood go cold instantly and slightly unhinged my mind. This was no joke. It was a real, intense paranormal experience and a threat. An evil teddy bear killed Tiffany and will kill again when someone spread a rumor or told a lie online.
I curled up into the fetal position on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably until Stephen found me but I couldn't tell him what happened. All that I could utter was: "No more rumors, no more lies."
Other people still thought that it was a prank until the Los Angeles police found Tiffany dead in her bedroom, buried underneath her teddy bear collection.
When police tried to watch the live stream, all that they could see a black screen and Tiffany's case remained opened. No one spoke up about what they saw that night, for they were afraid to. There wasn't even anything online about it but after that night, I deleted all of my social media accounts and never watched Youtube again. I also wouldn't let my loved ones gossip or lie...that ungodly teddy bear wouldn't ever kill anyone who I cared about over stupid rumor spreading and unnecessary drama.
(c)Lena Holdman, all rights reserved 2020
Happy Halloween! 🎃😈
Smooches and think Tink!
Monday, October 12, 2020
October Life Update
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Happy Birthday Shane!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHANE DAWSON! You're so talented, funny, and kind (don't ever forget that). You're my Youtube idol and one of my best friends who I never met. #istandwithshanedawson #HappyBirthdayShane
Smooches and think Tink! 🎈🧚🏻♂️
Saturday, July 18, 2020
Don't Let Youtube Boycott Shane Dawson! #ISTANDWITHSHANEDAWSON
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Can the Drama Just STOP? 🤦🏻♀️
I know that some of Shane Dawson's jokes and videos have been totally inappropriate in the past. I'll admit that he had crossed the line a lot (especially when he first started youtube). Blackface and pedophile/rape jokes are wrong. He wasn't always a complete angel throughout his youtube career but over the years, he has grown up and apologized over and over for it. Recently though, his past was put back under the microscope for the umpteenth time because of a scandal with him, Jeffree Star, and James Charles (yes, I blame Jeffree for dragging Shane into it and for not defending Shane). I think that Jeffree used him for subcribers and the palette. It's rumored that Jeffree and Shane tried to ruin James Charles' career but that story is too crazy to explain. As this rumor spread on the internet like the plague, people brought up Shane's past once again and started giving him so much hate. Even his fans, including me, had gotten unnecessary hate for liking him. These aren't just justice warriors, speaking their minds. These are people that use name calling, harassment, and threats to "make their point". I will say this one more time so it's on record: Shane Dawson is not racist, a pedophile, a liar, or manipulative. Even though I agree that some of his old content was wrong, I will always support, watch, and love Shane Dawson. He has owned up to his past and apologized again. Can the daily cyber-bullying stop now? Can the drama just stop? The toxicity is giving me weird nightmares and I'm worried about Shane (and I'm aware that he's a grown man, I just care).
Smooches and please think Tink.
Thursday, June 18, 2020
Shane Dawson's "The Demon in my House"
Shane Dawson's latest video (above) is so cool. He talks about making his lifelong dream of making a horror movie come true, which I'm so proud of as a fan. Then, he talks about the haunting at his house. The story of his haunting is so fascinating and creepy. Check out the video!
This painting is part of his haunting. I googled some info on it because it and his story intrigues me.
Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portrait_of_Ir%C3%A8ne_Cahen_d%27Anvers
Smooches and think Tink!
Thursday, June 11, 2020
Friday, June 5, 2020
All Humans Matter ☮
All humans matter regardless of their race, sexual orientation, gender, abilities/limitations, or class. We shouldn't judge anyone without knowing their soul. Don't let history repeat itself over, over, and over again like an endless time loop. Although we need to change this cruel world, we shouldn't use violence as a counteract towards violence or use hatred as a weapon towards hate. We, as humans, need to listen to one another and turn off our tunnel vision...forget our presumptions of each other and give chances and justice equally to everyone. Stop the discrimination. #BLACKLIVESMATTER #EQUALITYFORALL
Smooches and think Tink!
Thursday, May 14, 2020
Happy Birthday Ryland Adams! ❤🧜🏻♂️
Happy birthday Ryland! Thank you for being an entertaining youtuber who isn't afraid to be himself, no matter what. Thank you for making our baby boy, Shane Dawson, smile everyday too. Have fun today Ry! 🎁🎈🎂
Love you.
Smooches and think Tink! 🧚🏻♂️🧜🏻♂️
Let's Get Happy (Silly Pictures From The Internet + A Story Update)
For my fellow Swifties and weirdos: My Christmas: Cerebral Palsy Life 😜: For my witchy side: This evening, I drank a peppermint mocha...